1.) Yes, we're still here. Where else would we go? It's not like we've got a call on the other line, or we're going to put the headset down long enough to yell at the kids. We're still here. Please stop interrupting yourself every five words to ask.

2.) And while you're at it, please stop interrupting us.

3.) No, you may not speak to a supervisor. At least not until you've told us why. Of if you insist on making this your first request, please be honest enough to word it as following: "Hello. I think you, as a mere call center rep, are likely of limited intellect. Anyone with any skill, empathy, or ability is likely to have been promoted to the level of supervisor. Therefore, please put her on the phone at this time, and, after having done so, you may resume your previous drooling." And you must excuse us if our limited intellect allows no more elevated of a response than, "Yo momma."

4.)Every two minutes or so, pause to consider whether or not we care about what you're saying. You might be surprised how often the answer is no. We are evaluated based on how quickly and efficiently we can answer your concerns and get you off the phone. Giving a run down of the weather forecast in your area for the remainder of May is not conducive to that process.

5.) No, we can't get it to you any faster.

6.) No, we are not sitting around playing Bid Whist laughing about your extended hold time. We have no control over staffing levels.

7.) Threatening legal action will get you nowhere. Legal is not our department. Legal makes more money than we do. If you'd like to be their headache, be our guest.

8.) We will not loose our jobs for hanging up on you if you swear at us. And as hanging up on someone is always fun both in our professional and personal lives, feel free to swear at will.

9.) We know when you're lying. Stop it.

10.) We get a strange sense of job satisfaction from helping a consumer in need. But we owe you nothing. You went down to your local grocery store and bought a $10 whatever, not our souls. We are not the Igor to your Dr. Frankenstein. You will not topple our multi-million dollar corporation by refusing to buy our brand anymore. If you somehow did, we'd just go work somewhere else anyway. So stop threatening, pouting, shouting, and fussing, grow up, and let us do our jobs. Now, if you'll excuse us, there's a call on the other line and we've got to go smack the kids.