Happy Fun Erik

Hi. Remember me? Haha. Of course you don't.

So I had a little trip in the old time machine this afternoon and
somehow ended up reading some emails I sent back in my PFB Moderator
days. And holy god, was I ever a prick in them. Seriously. Imagine the
most overbearing, self-righteous blowhard you've ever met in your
life. Now clone him ten times. Now make ten more clones of each of
those clones. I would be one of those clones. All mutated and freaky
and weird and stuff.

So to anyone who ever actually had to deal with me back when I was on
my power trip, here's my apology. Also, here's one for anyone who's
really had to deal with me at any point whatsoever. Because honestly,
what is my deal? Geez.

Okay, back into the abyss. Been nice seeing you again! Be back in
another three years!

-Erik

It has come to my attention that, unfortunately, my particular brand
of jackassery no longer falls safely within the TOS of PlanetFeedback.
Which is fine, and I understand completely. People come to this site
to solve problems, not to get mocked by smartasses like yours truly.
So, as a sign of respect towards PlanetFeedback who have never been
anything but kind towards me, I will refrain from leaving belittling
comments on consumer letters from this point forwards.

Instead, I'll just do it here.

WEEK IN REVIEW (THE RETURN)

1. Return Policy Will Cost Target Millions

After careful consideration, I have discovered the underlying cause
behind the recent crash in the stock market. It's the customer return
service at Target!

2. Federal Express Hates Gays

I'm really upset that Federal Express doesn't stop its employees from
being hateful asshats in the privacy of their personal lives.

3. The Devil is in the Details, Applebee's

The Devil's also in their coleslaw. So next time you go there, be sure
you don't order any.

4. ODF

He was in the Wu-Tang Clan, wasn't he?

5. What Can You Do for Us as President, John McCain?

I guess we'll never know, now will we? Heehee.

6. Incident at Rite Aid Made Me Furious

I'm really upset that Rite Aid doesn't do more to stop other customers
from doing stupid things.

7. Auto Accident

Turns out insurance companies have little to no scruples. Who knew?

8. Hold on Target Credit Card Without Notification

Turns out credit card companies have little to no scruples. Who knew?

9. Dyson Vacuum Cleaners Should be More Affordable

Yeah, and so should ponies. Why do they make horses so damn expensive?
If they made ponies cheaper, I bet more people would buy them.

10. Burger King Isn't a Bar!

Tell your employees to stop asking me out. It offends me, for some
strange reason.

11. Capital One Should Reverse all Charges

I refuse to pay my credit card bill until all of my annual fees, over
the limit fees and finance fees are reversed. I can't possibly see how
this plan could fail.

12. Bring Back the Layaway Program, Walmart

And bell bottoms. Somebody should bring those back too.

13. Refund My Money for Ruined Vacation at Universal

I had free passes from ten years ago that I was totally going to use
but the hurricane ated them. More free passes, please!

14. The Dangers of Pizza Hut

The cheese is very fattening and the tomato sauce has been known to
cause hurt burn.

15. The Truth Behind the Tactics of DSG International

It's made out of people! PEOPLE!

16. Tuition Reimbursement from Guess is a Catch-22

I want Guess to pay for my tuition, but they won't because I'm not a
full-time employee. Catch-22!

17. Honor the One Year Warranty, Verizon

Or, you know, I'll be like totally pissed.

18. Birthday Dinner

I refuse to pay for my meal since nobody sang for me.

19. General Motors on Same Path as the Dinosour

Which is ironic when you consider where oil comes from.

20. Lowe's Needs to Fix its Online Preorder Process

I don't understand why workers don't give me better customer service
when I call them "half-wits."

21. Unethical Selling Tactics at Cost Cutters

They take costs, and then they viciously cut them. It is horrible and
inhumane.

22. Nobody at Sam's Club Cared About Lost Child

Please come and take this child I found at Sam's Club. He eats too
much.

23. Disappointed in ABC and "The View"

I'm annoyed by The View because it offends my politics, and not
because it's a show where five women screech at each other each day
for an hour straight.

24. Olan Mills Made a Mess of My Baby Shower

They showed up drunk, they wouldn't play any of the games, and I think
one of them may have killed my dog.

25. Make an Exception to Your Exchange Policy, Price Roman

Um, how about no? Is no good for you?

Did I miss April Fool's Day? From the looks of it, not so much.

1. Disgusted by Used Robe at Palazzo Las Vegas

I demand a free stay at your hotel for your having given me someone
else's cooties.

2. Subtle Comments = Racial Prejudice

Your cashier is either highly racist or extremely hungry. I've chosen
the more extreme of the two choices.

3. Cockroach fell on teenage daughter

If it's any consolation, the cockroach was just as embarrassed by the
experience as your daughter was.

4. MANIAC DRIVER

One of your delivery drivers almost ran me over! It was a person of
average height driving a van that said Dish Network. I'm pretty sure
they were wearing a uniform. I want this specific driver fired!
CAPITAL LETTERS!

5. New tampons

Hey, everybody! Who wants to hear about my va-jay-jay?

6. Inconsiderate Wait Staff

I can't understand why my waiter wasn't happy with his five dollar
tip. That should be more than enough for him to buy as much penny
candy and whistles as he could possibly want!

7. Outback Steakhouse, Don't Comeback Steakhouse

Get it? Outback? Comeback? Ha! Everyone at work says I should do
stand-up!

8. Rude and Abusive Pharmacist at Winn-Dixie

A pharmacist in need of a Paxil prescription - How ironic.

9. Mystery ingredient in hummus?

I can tell you one thing it most definitely was not. Flavor.

10. Rude stupid and arrogant

I most certainly am.

11. DEEP FRIED BUG!!

Oh, we're sorry. You wanted your bug baked, didn't you?

12. Poor choices by your manager

Don't you understand? The expiration dates of coupons don't apply to
me. I'm a loyal customer!

13. Discriminates against people with CANCER!!!!

Oh, sure. Play the cancer card, why don't you.

14. Capital One Broke Verbal Contract

And everybody knows that a verbal contract is the most sacred and
binding contract of them all.

15. Four Tries and Still Cold at Carrabbas!

My mother's mashed potatoes were ice cold! Why, I could barely even
stand to stick my fingers into them!

16. Not the Fridays I Remember from the Past

As I recall, Thursdays used to come after them, not before. Things
were so much better in the old days.

17. Brutally Traumatized by Victoria's Secret Employees

Surprisingly enough, not that much of an overstatement.

18. a prospective customer- lost due to racism

As a member of the yankee race, I have more of a right to play the
race card than any other minority I can think of.

19. Target's Refusal to Issue a Credit

This NOT an exaggeration, but thanks to your store not refunding the
money you overcharged me, I'm probably going to starve to death cold,
broken and alone in the streets before my next paycheck.

20. South Bay Veterinary Clinic Truly Cares

A compliment letter? How the hell did this get in here?

21. Insulted and Embarrassed by IHOP Employees

All I wanted was a freshly laid emu egg soft boiled with exactly 1/8th
of a tablespoon of lemon pepper and served on top of two pieces of
white toast toasted to an exact sepia hue. I really don't see what was
so hard about that.

22. Disneyland is Not the Happiest Place on Earth

Disneyland was busy during spring break! Why didn't anyone warn me
ahead of time?

23. NIGHTMARE EXPERIENCE WITH SPRINT

Give me a free phone, or my army of 50,000 loyal minions will rain
destruction down upon you.

24. Roaches at Best Value Inn

Jesus Christ, enough with the fucking bugs already.

25. T-Mobile- Fraud

Letter- poorly written

Hey, guess what. Turns out I'm still alive. Good to hear, right?

1. Child Discrimination at Chili's

You not loving my child as much as I do has to be against the law in
some way.

2. Inconsiderate Wait Staff

The next time I give your waiter a 6% tip, I expect him to show me a
little more gratitude. Ungrateful little peasant.

3. Losing hair and pissed off

Yeah, join the club, pal.

4. Why Should I Pay for Spam Text Messages, T-Mobile?

Because we told you to, that's why.

5. Returns back on shelf

Thanks to your store, I am stuck in a never-ending loop of buying
things, returning them, buying them again, and then returning them.
Tell my wife and kids that I miss them and I love them.

6. Target's Refusal to Issue a Credit

Hey, who's up for a ridiculously long conversation on evangelical
Christian beliefs? By all means, focus on that and not on anything
that's in my letter.

7. I Love Ziploc's Zip and Steam Bags!

Almost as much as I love taffy! And I'm a guy who really likes his
taffy!

8. Phone Operator at Elk Grove store has MAJOR ATTITUDE!

All I asked was what she was wearing.

9. Ruined Anniversary

I spent it with my husband. Ha! Get it? Who's with me? Am I right or
am I right?

10. Stalked and Harassed at TGIF

I'm 32-years-old, and your wait staff mistook me for someone under 21.
I've never been so offended in my life!

11. Walmart Seeks Only Hispanic Shoppers

Que?

12. Did I Get the Unlucky Box, Lexmark?

You did! Run home, Charlie! Run all the way home!

13. Bulk mailings are annoying!

No kidding.

14. Panera Employee Needs Sensitivity Training

You want to see a real Diary of a Black Woman, just keep making your
jokes, pal.

15. Will IKEA Go the Extra Mile for Me?

Nope.

16. NOT BEING ABLE TO ADD ON TO MY ORDER

If I'm not able to add food to my order when I'm at the window, then
the American dream has finally and truly failed.

17. Wells Fargo Destroyed the Credit of a Military Member

All I'm asking is for your bank to read my mind and figure out that I
intended to change insurance companies. Is that really too much to ask
for a member of the military?

18. American Idol

I'm very upset that the annoying kid with no talent got voted off your
show. The voting must've been rigged.

19. Quaker Oats Lower Sugar Instant Oatmeal Can't Be Beat!

Except by taffy! Yum, taffy!

20. Verizon Nightmare!

My network! They can't hear me now! Somebody wake me!

21. Very Disappointed in Royal Diamond Cookware

No matter how much I cook the diamonds, they still aren't soft enough
to chew.

22. Hannaford Employee Should Not Wear Military Attire

Having fought to defend the freedoms of this country, I really don't
see what's hypocritical about telling people in your store what they
can and can't war.

23. Kentucky Fried Chicken Asked Me to Break the Law!

I don't care how hungry I was, there was no way I was going to kill
that hobo!

24. Ripped Off at Best Western

Your business had no right treating us as "no shows," just because we
didn't show.

25. Some one having a bad day?

Apparently.

1. Wendy's Lost My Credit Card

This is almost as bad as the time I lost my lunch there.

2. Shredders are considered technolgy Office Depot Comupter must be
really advanced.

I fail to comprehend how something mechanical that runs on electricity
can possibly be classified as technology.

3. Lesson in Customer Satisfaction

Blah blah corporate synergy. Blah blah customer satisfaction. Blah
blah meaningless business buzzwords.

4. lies and more lies

I was there and I saw what you did, I saw it with my own two eyes. So
you can wipe off that grin. I know where you've been. It's all been a
pack of lies! BOOM-BOOM, BOOM-BOOM, BOOM BOOM, BOOM BOOM,
BOOMBLEOOMPLEOOMP

5. Yet ANOTHER bad Razr!!

This one barely cuts my facial hair at all!

6. WHAT AM I INVISIBLE CUSTOMERS DON'T COUNT BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT
EMPLOYEES

LOUD CAPITAL LETTERS MAKE MY WORDS IMPORTANT! SEE?!

7. hello

Hi!

8. Bogus Gift Subscription Promotion

If I want to give myself the gift of a reduced rate magazine
subscription, you're in no position to stop me with your fancy smancy
"rules and regulations."

9. Simply Delicious

This is a simply stated compliment to Simply Orange Juice on their
simply delicious Simply Lemonade, Simply Limeaid and Simply Orange
Juice. Simply.

10. To All PlanetFeedback Users

You ever get that creepy deja vu feeling before?

11. Disappointed with Comcast Triple Play

I'm not all that happy about spending $80 for an installation that the
installer performed shoddily. Also, why is he now living in my
downstairs den?

12. still have yet to recieve

an ending to this title.

13. A Small Suggestion for Blizzard

Give me my social life back.

14. Disappointed in Chef Boyardee and Customer Service

You'd think a microwavable cup of macaroni and cheese would be more
flavorful, but surprisingly, not so much.

15. Observation

I observed something that seemed like it possibly could've been theft.
I didn't have a very clear view of it, and any description I can
provide of what possibly could have been the culprit is minimal at
best. As such, I am handling it the best way I know how - by writing a
public letter about it on the Internet.

16. Disgraceful Behavior at CVS Pharmacy

So pharmacists get 90 minutes for lunch? Wow. Where do I sign up?

17. OVER CHARGING

It's amazing how many years I've been writing complaint letters on
this site, and yet, I still suck as much at it as I do.

18. re: glade scented car oil

Your product is currently eating a hole through the interior of my
car. I thought you might like to know.

19. Stop Taking My Money, U.S. Department of Education

No Money Left Behind.

20. GIVE ME MY MONEY YOU LIARS

THE CAPITAL LETTERS! THEY SUSTAIN ME!

21. To All PlanetFeedback Users

You ever get that creepy deja vu feeling before?

22. coupon denied

It seems only fair that I be provided with the sum total of the
compensation you gave to all the other customers forced to wait for
their orders by the scene that I caused in your drive thru. After all,
none of it would have ever happened if it wasn't for me being such a
jackass in the first place.

23. Scheduling and Supply Problems at Dunkin Donuts

ED. NOTE - As much as I may enjoy belittling other people's concerns
about customer service matters for no other reason than my own
entertainment, even I am not so evil as to take a shot at a letter
asking Dunkin Donuts to treat mentally disabled associates more
fairly. So .... moving on.

24. Pllease read this

Okay, so I did. Now what?

25. long wait time

During the ten minutes we had to wait for our waiter to arrive, I
became so hungry that I ate three of my children. I think a free
appetizer is in order.

Surprisingly enough, this week's Top 25 has more than a few quality
letters, such as the Royal Caribbean letter, the Starbucks training
letter and the Ronzoni letter. It almost makes me feel bad for
including them. Almost.

1. Lesson in Customer Satisfaction

And if there's anyone you want to take lessons in customer
satisfaction from, it's a business professional who travels with just
her driver's license and a handful of gift cards and asks her client
for money for a coffee at Starbucks.

2. Stop Taking My Money, U.S. Department of Education

It's strange that the U.S. government would purposely screw someone
with a disability out of thousands of dollars. They're usually so
trustworthy.

3. Get Sexually Harrassed at Sunset Resort in Montego Bay Jamaica

Worst tourism pitch ever.

4. I am enraged

I am Sparticus!

5. Sears has No Empathy for Customers

I asked them if they had any more in the back, and if they'd mind
checking. And that's when I got punched in the nose.

6. Mr. Coffee Teamakers...

You would think a company that calls itself Mr. Coffee would make a
better teamaker.

7. Frontgate Should Treat Customers Fairly

And by customers, I mean just me. And by fairly, I mean give me free
shipping just because I want it.

8. Traffic Summons received Jan 22, 2008

You should be ashamed of yourself for pulling me over for speeding
when my license plate clearly showed that I was from out of state,
which logically means I have diplomatic immunity. Haven't you ever
seen Lethal Weapon 2?

9. Interest Rate on United Gold Class Visa

Please, good sirs, if you could find it in your hearts to make less
profit at my expense by lowering my interest rate in exchange for
absolutely nothing, I would forever be in your gratitude.

10. Internet sale cancelled due to Walmart pricing error

I think we can all agree that the key to solving all problems is by
simply showing respect and goodwill towards those with whom we are
having difficulties with. Give me the price your computer error said I
could have, you butt wipes.

11. Pink Grapefruit Is Not A Lemon, Bath & Body Works

Mmm. Fruit puns are delicious.

12. Union Bank Ruined My Wedding

They didn't RSVP, thus there weren't enough steak dinners for
everyone. And they didn't bring a gift either.

13. To All PlanetFeedback Users

Wait, did we say Users? We meant to say Losers. To All PlanetFeedback
Losers! Haha! Because that's what you are, losers!

(Note to PFB admins. All Week In Review comments are made in good
jest. Honest. Please, don't ban me. I'll never do it again, I swear.)

14. Royal Caribbean's Doctor Ruined Our 10th Anniversary

I just don't see why I should have to take my shirt off for a routine
physical. I also don't know why he had to take pictures. And why was
he wearing a captain's uniform instead of a doctor's outfit? This
whole thing just has me so confused.

15. Ronzoni has Delicious Pasta and Excellent Customer Service

Ronzoni has delicious pasta and excellent customer service.

16. Leave My neighbors out of my financial iissues with you!

They've got nothing to do with this, man. This is just between you and
me, so please, just put the gun down. We can work this out.

17. Additional Training Needed at Starbucks

A calm, rational letter presenting a problem and then kindly
suggesting a method for solving the problem. No gimme grab. No
threats. No negativity whatsover. What a refreshing change of pace.

18. Pictures of the filth served as food to customers in Memphis.

And now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

19. The Cheesecake Factory Treats Customers Like Absolute Trash

If anything, I want to be treated like just partial trash, not
absolute. I think I've earned that right.

20. Home Shopping Network Ruined My Childs Christmas

With their "Tickle Me Until I Admit That Santa Doesn't Really Exist"
Elmo doll.

21. Walgreen's Should Close on Christmas Day

And I should have a million dollars. Life's unfair that way.

22. My Donalds keep my $9.14 and they have their food which was
delivered in the rudest fashion by the STORE MANAGER!

Somebody call 911 on this letter title.

23. Wells Fargo has Shady Billing Practices

A bank with shady billing practices?! Perish the thought!

24. Polaroid T.V.'s what not to buy!!!!!!!!!

Thank God for this letter, or else I might have actually thought that
a Polaroid television would be a quality product.

25. Gift Receipt Ripoff at Dick's Sporting Goods

Hee hee. You said Dick's.

I should probably give some consideration to changing this to the
Month In Review. That seems like it'd be more truth in advertising
than the current iteration.

1. Union Bank Ruined My Wedding

Your refusal to use your magical bank powers to deposit my loan check
faster ruined my wedding. Now who will marry me?

2. To All PlanetFeedback Users

This note is to inform the PFB community of site outages. By all
means, please respond to it with hysterical ravings about PFB
commenters, questions regarding letters that have been deleted and
Andrew 1's 257th mention of Pete's letter to the community from two
years ago. It's not like we have a Suggestion Box or anything.

3. My Donalds keep my $9.14 and they have their food which was
delivered in the rudest fashion by the STORE MANAGER!

Is it too late to submit my application for Dumbest Asshat of 2007? It
isn't? Oh, goodie!

4. The Cheesecake Factory Treats Customers Like Absolute Trash

The Cheesecake Factory doesn't show enough appreciation for parties of
13, wait, no, 11, wait, no, 13 who show up out of the blue without a
reservation. I'm never coming back. Give me gift certificates so I can
come back.

5. Kiddopotamus Saved My Sanity!

There's a sentence I never though I'd use in my life, but by God, I
just did! Woo Hoo!

6. Poor Customer service

What do you mean you won't take back this underwear I've had for over
a year? What the hell kind of customer service is this?

7. Employees not able to speak english

I ordereds a cups a coffee wit ten creams and sugarses, and yer
illegal immgrant employees din't understand whats with I was sayin.
Teach em to speak english likes I does or tells them to go back
wherefore they came, dagnabbit.

8. I use to love taco bell but they let me down

I went to taco bell and had a less than pleasant experience which I
will tell you all about now in full detail as I was never taught how
to use a period before so I have no way of ending this sentence
therefore I will be forced to continue typing now until the end of
time which seems like it will be inconvenient but I guess what choice
do I have none really so yeah how are you doing I'm fine thanks for
asking

9. Walgreen's Should Close on Christmas Day

I'm very upset at Walgreen's for being open on Christmas Day. I was
just telling one of your cashiers all about it while shopping there on
Christmas morning. Despite the burning hatred in his eyes, I'm sure he
agreed with me completely.

10. Join Me In Target Class Action Suit

I am giving serious consideration into sinking every dime I own into a
frivolous lawsuit against Target which is ultimately doomed to
failure. I was wondering if anyone else wanted to join me.

11. complaint for store in bessemer alabama

wal-mart doesn't stock any of the things i need, such as size 36d bras
and a shift key for my keyboard.

12. My candy

Is expired

It's all

Your fault

13. Stop the False Advertising, Subway

I want my sandwich to be more like it is in the advertisements - made
out of plastic.

14. Provide a mensroom INSIDE the store!!!

I hate pooping outside. Either give me a gift card or I will never
return to poop outside of your store ever again.

15. Nsf check cashed on 12-3-07 and not returned so why is it on your
file as nsf

I'm very concerned about some irregularities in my checking account.
Here is my name, address, bank account number and PIN, which I am
posting onto the Internet. If you could look into the matter and get
back to me, I would appreciate it.

16. Provide More Options for Girls, Mattel

If find it irresponsible of Mattel to imply that only little plastic
boys can grow up to be plastic doctors, while little plastic girls
only have the option of becoming plastic artists, plastic chefs and
plastic veterinarians.

17. Unsatisfied Customer

My mother is lost in your Macy's store. If you happen to find her,
please mail her back to the return address provided. Thanks in
advance.

18. Zoey 101 and Ms. Spears

As a parent, I am demanding that Nickelodeon do the responsible thing
and publicly humiliate 16-year-old Jamie Lynn Spears for getting
pregnant. It's the only thing I can think of that will keep my child
from having sex before she's 21.

19. JCPenny Salon Horror Story

I dyed me hair red for Christmas. Having it dyed back to blonde turned
it into a mutant red and orange hybrid. Now I either have to shave my
head or dye it green for St. Patrick's Day.

20. Not enough associates who care.

I left my fiance to hold me place in line. A lady budged in front of
him. I didn't want my son to witness me punching the lady in the face,
so I had my fiance do it for me. In the future, I would like Home
Depot employees to care enough to do the things I don't care to do, so
I don't have to keep making my fiance do them instead.

21. Disappointing Experience with Home Depot

I went shopping there! Ha ha! Get it? Disappointing experience? Went
shopping there? This an audience or an oil painting?

22. Half Price Books Customer Disservice

I was very upset that Half Price Books offered me so little money for
the books I was selling. Not upset enough to not take the offer, but
I'm pretty goddamn upset now after the fact.

23. Danger to McDonald's Employees

I'm very concerned about the safety of your employees when they chase
after me on foot as I'm leaving the drive-thru. In the future, for the
sake of their well-being, they should really just let me drive off
with my free food.

24. They won't replace the whole Frig with an whole new frig.

Why you not give me frig? Me want frig. Me want frig now.

25. Phone support is outsourced

Since your company outsources its customer support department, I'll
take my business to a company that doesn't engage in such practices.
Just as soon as I can find one.

1. Greyhound Endangered the Welfare of Passengers

Given the situation, the proper thing to do would have been to kick
that homeless man out into the cold rather than making me have to
continue to smell his BO. 'Tis the season!

2. Unsatisfied Customer

My mother reenacted that movie Home Alone 2 in your Macy's store. It
wasn't nearly as hilarious as the film was.

3. Mervyn's Told Me to Shop Somewhere Else!

Your employee refused to use his magical abilities to locate shoes in
the size and width I was looking for. When I pressed him forcefully on
the matter, he requested that I shop somewhere else where he wasn't
at. Why does this kind of thing keep happening to me? Huh, "MORONS"?

4. Hit By a Waterfall of Ice and Water at Kona Grill

And by "Waterfall of Ice and Water," I of course mean I had some water
spilled down my shirt. No, I don't know what the word "exaggeration"
means.

5. Fed Up with Microsoft!

Computer hackers and con artists are constantly updating their spyware
and malware to get around Microsoft's security procedures. Since I
would prefer to not have to do the work myself, I must insist that
Microsoft figure out a way to stay two steps ahead of absolutely
everyone at all times.

6. Jewel of the Seas 11/25/2007 - 12/01/2007

How come when Cuba Gooding Jr. accidentally ends up on a gay cruise,
the resulting antics are both hilarious and sidesplitting, but when it
happens to me, I'm prevented from having a good time by my deep-seated
prejudices and homophobia?

7. The Preppy Pet Sold Us a Lemon Dog

They sold us a Gum Drop Cat too, but I'm more pissed off about the
dog.

8. Pumped more than I asked for

You could say I got screwed when you pumped more than I asked for. But
that would be a highly offensive statement, so I won't say it out
loud. Oops. Too late.

9. Theft at Bally Total Fitness

I was robbed at Bally Total Fitness, and for once, it wasn't by your
membership fees! Ha! High five! Anyone?

10. Bad Memories of My Verizon Store Experience

I'm not sure if you're aware, but the problem with hiring teenagers is
that they are incredibly stupid and would prefer to talk amongst
themselves rather than provide adequate customer service. I just
thought you'd like to know that.

11. Prositution, drug use & theft

Personal responsibility? I'm not aware of that concept.

12. Target Wii--lly Went the Extra Mile!

Did you see what I did there? I said Wii--lly instead of really! I'll
bet I'm the first one to think of that, huh?

13. Hertz Employees Need Diversity Training

I hate to have to play the race card, but since I'm of a different
race than you and something bad has happened to me, I really don't
have much of a choice, do I?

14. Beyond Poor Customer Service at Zales

Playing the race card, huh? Me too! Small world!

15. I Expect Good Will from Banana Republic

Just be aware that I have no intention of giving any back.

16. Long Time Shopper Dissappointed...

As a member of the overwhelming religious majority of this country,
I'm tired of constantly feeling oppressed for no good reason.

17. MERRY CHRISTMAS at Target is a dirty word!

Playing the religion card too, huh? Me too! Small world!

18. Held Hostage for Christmas by Walmart

When my mother was ordering the hottest, hardest to find Christmas
gift of the year off of your website, it seemed like it was almost too
good to be true. Not enough for her to stop pressing buttons long
enough to see what she was doing, but still...

19. Over Charging And Hygiene

Life can be so sweet when you live your life as a perpetual victim.
See you in court, suckers.

20. Treated Like a Bother at Ross Stores

I hate being treated like a bother, especially when I'm being
bothersome.

21. Upgrade Your Unfair Feedback System, Ebay!

I'm giving you one star out of five. See how it feels?

22. Incorrect Shipping Dates on Target.com

Try as I might, I cannot possibly figure out how you can't accurately
predict how long delivery times might take during the busy holiday
season.

23. Not a Relaxing Cup of Coffee at Starbucks

I'm very upset that I wasn't able to sit back and just relax with my
glass of highly-caffeinated coffee bean water and sugar.

24. Burger King Manager

USA! USA! USA!

25. A bad experience at the 505 W. Douglas Rd. location in Mishwaka,
IN

I'm sorry about the ridiculous length of this complaint. Not enough to
write it concisely, but still, pretty damned sorry.

1. Treated Like a Bother at Ross Stores

Ross Stores doesn't appreciate shoppers who show up just before
closing as much as they should.

2. Jewel of the Seas 11/25/2007 - 12/01/2007

I'll have you know that I would be just as offended by heterosexuals
performing homosexual acts on your cruise as I was by all those homos
doing them.

3. Pumped more than I asked for

I asked for a specific amount of gasoline and, by God, that's what I'm
going to get. Go grab a straw.

4. Prositution, drug use & theft

The man in the room next to me spied on me, tried to solicit sex from
me and stole my wallet. I'm deeply disappointed in Motel 6 for not
taking the initiative to call the police on my behalf.

5. Long Time Shopper Dissappointed...

Since I choose to do business at your store, it infuriates me that you
won't cater specifically to my own personal religious beliefs.

6. Uncaring Security Personnel at JCPenney

Someone stole $400 from me while I was in your store. Since your store
security refused to follow the thief to his home and beat him with
their batons, It seems only reasonable to me that you pay me the money
back.

7. bad way to treat employees

I'm slightly annoyed by TGIFridays calling me into a meeting to tell
me that the restaurant would be closing forever in approximately five
minutes.

8. The Preppy Pet Sold Us a Lemon Dog

This dog you sold me is broken.

9. Slippery Parking Lot at Red Lobster

As soon as I told the manager that the parking lot was slippery, he
should have immediately sent someone outside with a bucket of salt to
remove every square inch of ice between here and my driveway.

10. Christmas has been Blocked Buster

The small child working at Blockbuster told me that the store wasn't
allowed to acknowledge Christmas in any way. As a person who takes his
religion far too seriously, I have a few qualms with your store
attempting to destroy my favorite holiday by choosing not to celebrate
it the same way that I do.

11. Inhumane Treatment by Eagle Freight

Your delivery workers refused to free me from the piece of granite I
am currently trapped under. If I somehow survive this ordeal, you will
be hearing from my lawyer.

12. MERRY CHRISTMAS at Target is a dirty word!

If these uppity minority religions want equal recognition for their
stupid little holidays, then they should just move them to a different
month.

13. WORLD'S WORST POPCORN!!!!

Since I don't personally care for your product, I can safely declare
that you paid off Oprah Winfrey to advertise it.

14. Verizon's Lack of Heart

When people talked about how heartless big corporations are, I always
assumed that they were referring to the corporations that I don't do
business with.

15. Burger King Manager

Why should I be denied my military discount just because I had a 'Nam
flashback in the middle of your dining room? What are you,
communists?

16. Double Inquiries

Shame on you for hiring employees as uninformed as I am.

17. Livin the Suite Life Sweepstakes

My child is unable to enter your contest because she is 6. I will
react to this development as if I was 5.

18. Train Employees to Respect Customers, Walmart

I would be grateful if Wal-Mart would force their employees to treat
all customers kindly, so that I may slap around one of your employees
that I do not like without fear of reprisal.

19. PRICE MATCHING

IF YOU'LL MATCH PRICES WITHIN 30 DAYS, THEN WHY WON'T YOU DO IT WHEN
IT'S ONLY BEEN 32 DAYS??!! HUH??!!

20. Packaging for Prilosec OTC

The packaging for Prilosec is so complicated to open that it's causing
stomach acid to erode the lining of my esophagus.

21. Poor Customer Service & It's lack of care and empathy for its
loyal Customers

I don't quite grasp the concept of "while supplies last."

22. $1000 phone bill

I shouldn't have to pay this phone bill based on the fact that nobody
tried to stop me from making the calls.

23. Since when is WATER against the health code?

If I'm willing to drink water from your back sink out of a used Dixie
cup to save a buck, then what right do your health regulations have to
stop me?

24. American Express Caused a Domino Effect on my Life

I wish to put myself further in debt to you, American Express. Please
don't try to stand in my way.

25. Leaking can

A can of Coke leaked in my fridge. Buy me a new fridge.

Yeah, yeah. I know it's late. Like you've never not shown up for work
for a week or two without any explanation.

1. Verizon's Lack of Heart

Do you mean to tell me that giant, monolithic corporations base their
policies around the accruement of profits rather than the goodness of
their hearts? My world view is forever shattered.

2. Double Inquiries

Positivity begets positivity. That being said, let's see what happens
when I write a letter to Best Buy accusing their entire staff of being
clueless.

3. FucoThin Did Not Work for Me, Vitamin Shoppe

I took your magical sugar pill, and it has neither caused me to lose
weight, increase my disposition or to stop smoking. Either refund my
money or give me some more magic!

4. Stampede at Staples on Black Friday

My husband was crushed to death at your store on Black Friday by a
crazed mob of angry soccer moms. The only thing that could possibly
ease my grieving would be a fat discount on a laptop computer.

5. Customer Service is a Thing of the Past at Regions Bank

I often think to myself that things aren't as good today as how I
remember them in the past.

6. "Hispanic" Doll needs to speak English

Your "Hispanic" doll only speaks Spanish. I find this "unacceptable".
I also have "no idea" how to use "quotation marks".

7. MERRY CHRISTMAS at Target is a dirty word!

The best way to honor the cultural melting pot that is America is by
telling all the minority religions to go fuck themselves.

8. Slicing Pizza is Not a Special Request, Giordano's

You never really appreciate the convenience of a pizza place cutting
your pizza for you until you're forced to do it yourself, and you end
up covered in hot grease and cheese with fewer fingers than you had
originally.

9. Burger King Manager

If it wasn't for me, you'd be flipping patties under the jurisdiction
of the Viet Cong. The least you could do to show your appreciation is
give me half off on my Whopper.

10. This is Crazy, McDonald's!

That homeless guy in the McDonalds uniform who keeps jumping in front
of my car in the drive-thru is starting to make me nervous.

11. American Express Caused a Domino Effect on my Life

Attempting to use my American Express card for a purchase led to a
domino effect resulting in my currently being penniless and living in
the gutter. What the hell?

12. rude staff at more than one location

Our "rude" beams are having no effect on this creature. Scotty! Set
phasers to "customer is always right" level!

13. Was Never Waited On!!

My husband and I have been long-time, faithful customers of yours. You
would be hard-pressed to find better customers than us. Which is why
I'm writing to you today threatening to never come back to your
restaurant ever again over one small mistake unless you bribe us.

14. Awesome Black Friday Experience at Jo-Anns!

My husband was trampled to death underneath a crazed mob of angry
soccer moms. Thanks, Jo-Anns!

15. Unfaily Charged!!

I have failed in every conceivable way in writing this letter.

16. I hate your food!

I have too much free time on my hands! I hate my life!

17. Indifferent Personnel at Ralph's Grocery

It bothers me when your underpaid staff of teenage workers won't
pretend to be happy to see me.

18. FORD MUSTANG GT

Ford Motor Company manufactures shoddy cars which break down easily?
Since when?

19. Negative Experience at Staples on Black Friday

I spent my entire Thanksgiving Day camped out in your parking lot
instead of at home with my family, and now, thanks not getting the
thing that I wanted, the entire experience has somehow turned into a
giant waste of time.

20. Ridiculous Fees

I'm the first person in PlanetFeedback history to ever spell the word
"ridiculous" correctly. Where's my prize?

21. Carnival CANNOT ACCOMMODATE BABIES

And to demonstrate how outrageous it is that Carnival CANNOT
ACCOMMODATE BABIES, I have written that part out in ALL CAPITAL
LETTERS to help SIGNIFY ITS IMPORTANCE.

22. Hasbro's Rose Petal Cottage is Insulting to Girls

Your toy reflects all of the negative stereotypes about women that I
have inserted into it.

23. Layaway Would Be So Helpful, Target

I wrote a thoughtful request to Target to consider adding layaway for
the benefit of its customers, free of any threats, insults or
intimidation tactics. How the hell has this letter stayed in the Top
25 so long?

24. Forgery

Since I'm a completely different person when I drink, all of the
drinks I put on my tab last night were quite obviously forged by a
different person.

25. Damage to my van that you will not work with me on.

This dent in the bumper of my van in the shape of your cart boy's head
makes me very angry. Very angry indeed.

Following a brief one-week hiatus during my spirited skirmish with
Homeland Security (don't ask), I have returned with the Week In
Review. Enjoy, as it will probably be my last before I'm renditioned
to Guantanamo Bay for some Christmas waterboarding.

1. Burger King Manager

I'll have you know that in the Army, I fought to uphold your freedom,
Mr. Burger King manager. Which is why I'm so goddamn pissed off that
you're choosing to use that freedom to deny me a food discount.

2. MERRY CHRISTMAS at Target is a dirty word!

Christmas is the most important holiday of the year for the one true
religion of peace. Either tell your cashiers to acknowledge it or I
will punch them in the stomach.

3. No Book Returns at Walmart

What do you mean I can't return this magazine? I already read it! What
else am I supposed to do with it?

4. Damage to my van that you will not work with me on.

I ran into your cart machine with my van. The least you could do is
pay for all of the repairs, because I never would have ran into it if
you hadn't been so stupid as to build a store in my path.

5. E*TRADE Commercial is Not Amusing

I did not enjoy your commercial. I would like a refund of the 30
seconds I spent watching it which could have been spent watching
other, more entertaining commercials.

6. Layaway Would Be So Helpful, Target

Not as helpful as free merchandise would be, but one step at a time.

7. Hasbro's Rose Petal Cottage is Insulting to Girls

How dare your toy teach young girls how to cook and do laundry? Those
are skills that a woman should never have to possess!

8. Hello, anyone working or have knowledge of a responsability?

I resent it deeply when businesses choose to show me the same attitude
back that I choose to show them.

9. Bill O'Reilly Speaks the TRUTH

(blissful silence)

10. Carnival CANNOT ACCOMMODATE BABIES

Waaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

11. Very rude and inconsiderate staff at Webster, TX store.

I really couldn't care less if you have customers in the store that
you have to help. I insist you tell them to wait, go track down this
obscure toy I'm looking for, and let me know if it's worth my time to
throw some pants on and drive down to your store. Jesus, stop being so
lazy.

12. Violent Content Before PG Movies

How dare you ruin a perfectly good night of trite, cliched, mindless
comedy with clips of trite, cliched, mindless violence?

13. Last Ford I Will Ever Purchase

Which could be construed as a testament to the quality of your
product, but that's definitely not how I intended it!

14. DID YOU KNOW YOU ARE SUPPORTING TERRIOST?

9/11 changed everything. As proof, I was rational as could be before
that day happened. Now just look at me!

15. Corporate policy or no corporate policy? That is the question.

My inability to use coupons on top of other coupons has sent me into a
dangerous spiral of depression from which I fear I will never recover
from.

16. Want a Potato? Don't go to Wendy's

Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato
Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato
Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato
Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato
Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato Potato


17. Bad Memories of My Wedding at Hilton Garden Inn

The memory of my having committed my entire life to my one true love
is forever overshadowed by your hotel having overcharged me.

18. JCPenney Portrait Studio Would Not Budge

No matter how big a pain in the ass I was, your staff still refused to
break store policy for me. What kind of a business are you running?

19. dissatified with service

I'm deeply dissatisfied with your restaurant liquoring up my child
eight months ago. She very easily could've died. Eight months ago!

20. Frigidaire Failed to Provide Warranty Service

Either take back this washer and dryer or I will go on the Internet
and badmouth you. And just to show you how serious I am, I have gone
on the Internet and badmouthed you.

21. Incompetent Employees

The incompetence of your employees is infuriating! To demonstrate my
point, here's a bunch of statistics that I just made up.

22. RED makes me as mad as a Wet Hen!

(continued blissful silence)

23. Philips Should Make Manuals Available Online

So it's Program, then Settings, then Record Length... Wait, why is it
blinking?

24. Icy Hot Gel is Not So Hot

Perhaps you should consider just calling it Icy Gel. It would be less
confusing.

25. ALL MY SERVICE WAS HORRIBLE

Not just some of it! ALL OF IT!

A few quick thanks to some people.

dragonfly and LadyMac - Thanks for the stoicism. It came in very handy
today, and I am grateful to you both.

donno - You've been a loyal defender. I'm glad I've been able to amuse
you. You've done the same for me.

vc - Your new blog was a thing of beauty. I don't care how the PFB
Yeller Awards went last year. There is no way on earth anyone could
ever say that I'm half as funny as you are.

Firebrat Tracy and TwinkleToes - This site won't be the same without
either of you. Thank you for being my friends.

The PFB community and administrators - To everyone who I have crossed
paths with on this site in the last five years, I am thankful to each
one of you. PlanetFeedback has always been very welcoming to me. I
served the site as a Site Moderator and did some behind-the-scenes
stuff that never really ended up going anywhere, but I was grateful
for the opportunity regardless. This site has never once stifled my
right to say what I wanted, when I wanted. I've never stopped
appreciating that, although I haven't shown that appreciation nearly
as much as of late as I should've.

It's been five years since I blindly stumbled onto this site, and I've
never regretted a single second I spent here. I've said and done some
things that I'm not proud of, but for the most part, my PlanetFeedback
experience has enriched me in more ways than I could have ever hoped.
Thank you all.

...

What? You were expecting me to say something else?

No, I'm not leaving. Why in the hell would I do that?

In case anyone needs a refresher, Clete has outstayed his welcome. Two
people have left this site because of him. Two people who contributed
a hundred times more to this site than he could ever hope to. That's
two too many.

I had made my peace with Clete. Still have, in fact. I have nothing
personal against the dumbass. But it's become abundantly clear that
his presence is harming the site. There's only two effective means for
dealing with a troll. You either ignore him until he goes away, or you
make it so decidedly unpleasant for him to hang around that he leaves
of his own accord. Option two is less dignified, but it tends to be
quicker.

I will be removing this virus from the site, and it will be permanent
this time. And if I have to destroy everything I've worked for on this
site in order to do that, so be it.

One of the most frequent points of discussion on PlanetFeedback is how
us commenters are a bunch of lowlife scum-sucking asshats with no
sense of decency. Well, I'm here to tell you that, yes, we may go
after complaints with a ferocity resembling a pack of underfed dingoes
sometimes, but this place has no shortage of decency. Where else can
you write a stupid one-off post about potatoes and, at the end of the
week, have half of the posters adding potato puns to their handles in
a bizarre sign of solidarity?

You all make me so damn proud of you. You really do.

Assemble, my potato minions! We have a new enemy.

The Little Trooper stands between us and our destiny - Number 12 on
the Top 25 Profiles. We will prove to her, and to the world, that a
singular Little Trooper is no match for my loyal army of Spud
Troopers.

Rise up, fellow believers in The Great Potato! We will peel our
enemies, and then mash them, and then cook them on the stove until
firm, and then serve them with gravy. Rich, brown, delicious gravy!

Mashed potatoes recipe
Easy To Make Potato Recipes From Better Homes and Gardens
www.BetterHomesandGardens.com

Mashed Potatoes
Search our recipes & baking videos and enter to win a family vacation!

www.VeryBestBaking.com

Oh, and POTATO!

The humble potato is the answer to all questions. Blessed be its
potato wisdom.

You ever notice the Google Ads up top of the blogs? Well, I have.
Google Ads are word-sensitive, so if you use certain phrases
frequently around them, they pick up on it and display ads that are
related to those common phrases. Cool, huh? And I'll be goddamned if
I'm not going to try to mess with them.

Potatoes! Who like potatoes? I like potatoes! Potatoes are delicious
and nutritious. There's nothing I like to do more than eating
potatoes. You might say that I'm a potato fan. I like potatoes in all
kinds of ways. Baked potatoes. Mashed potatoes. Boiled potatoes.
French fried potatoes. Potatoes on top of other potatoes. Yup, I like
potatoes. Potatoes.

Does anyone else like potatoes? I mean really, really like potatoes?
Because I like potatoes. I might even love potatoes. I wish I was
eating a giant sack of potatoes right now. No, wait. Two sacks of
potatoes. That's how much I like potatoes. Mmm...potatoes.

Potatoes! Potatoes! Potatoes!

Potatoes!

1. Kmart Lay-A-Way Complaint

I'm outraged that I have to pay a cancellation fee on my layaway just
because I stopped paying for said layaway. Outrageous!

2. Teller Rules at Bank of America

I came to the Bank of America drive-thru to make a deposit completely
unprepared and with no deposit slips. Bank of America refused to
provide me with a deposit slip at the drive-thru. This confirms my
long-held belief that I am always in the right and people who work in
the banking industry are a bunch of assholes.

3. Men Buy Tampons Too

We just do it as discretely as possible. No, don't do a price check!
GAH!

4. Staples Now Demoted to Emergency Use Only

Good customer service says that I should only have to pay the price I
want to pay for this camera. So there.

5. DID YOU KNOW YOU ARE SUPPORTING TERRIOST?

LIBERALS! LIBERALS! LIBERALS! LIBERALS! HOWWWWLLLLLL!!!

6. Carnival CANNOT ACCOMMODATE BABIES

Won't somebody please think of the babies?!

7. Abusive Employees at Rite Aid

I was pushed around by one of your employees who was obviously very
socially unpleasant. She was a chubby black woman who was ugly and
dumb and smelled bad.

8. Bad Coupon Experience

Target wouldn't take my coupon. For the embarrassment I suffered, I
think it's only fair that I be given a free gift card, a handwritten
letter of apology from the president of Target in duplicate, and a
replacement for my car which suffered wear and tear on the drive to
the store.

9. RED makes me as mad as a Wet Hen!

Oh, crap. This is my only letter left in the Top 25. So many things I
want to say. It all started with a letter to Target about their bell
ringers, which ended up getting over 2,000 replies. My wife and I are
both college educated. From this point on, I will only be doing cameo
appearances. Everyone here is awful, except for me. Wait, don't leave
me! I got nowhere else to go!

10. Charmin Basic is Awful!

I'll have you know I'm very partial about the quality of paper I use
to wipe myself with.

11. Disgusting Experience on Alaska Airlines

I had to sit in someone else's vomit for three hours! This is an
experience that I will likely never live down. Give me two free
tickets to anywhere in North America, so that I may relive it.

12. Corporate policy or no corporate policy? That is the question.

Hey, I couldn't use my coupons either! Where's my free stuff?

13. Mervyn's, Remove the Pseudo Signs

It's not so much the signs I mind as much as their pseudoness. I just
prefer authenticity in my angry orders from management to not make a
mess of the dressing rooms, is all.

14. My Halloween Horror Nights Experience at Universal Studios

I was unfairly stereotyped as being a college student. Now I know just
how Martin Luther King felt.

15. bad collection agency

Yeah, yeah. I already know I owe me money. Stop reminding me!

16. Affirmative Action = Reverse Racism = Lazy People

I'm tired of lazy black people always taking the jobs I want. I'm just
as lazy as they are!

17. complaint about claims representatives

I had a recent incident with an AllState claim representative which
has now been worked out in full. Please read this 780-page novel I
wrote completely detailing the incident and then send me a goodwill
offering.

18. Kids meal overcharge -- IHOP-4492

Why should I have to pay extra as an adult for a kid's meal while
children get them for the regular price? Goddamn little freeloaders.

19. Smoking Cingular Employees

Aren't cigarettes supposed to make your employees less combative? If
anything, they're more so!

20. Understand the Coupon Policy, Kmart

What's this I hear about free stuff?

21. Lower Your Prices, Six Flags

And get rid of the lines. And I want more concessions to choose from.
And also, I want a little brother.

22. Target Stole $35 from me.

And last I checked, stores weren't supposed to steal money from their
customers. If anything, I should be stealing from them!

23. The Humane Sociatty of Jefferson COunty

Either give me the Chihuahua dog or my kid stomps on another kitten.
Your move.

24. Best Buy Associate Broke Our Plasma Television

And if that wasn't bad enough, he kicked my wife too. In the face!

25. HATE BENNIGANS

I go to Bennigan's every week. The last time I visited, I had a
singular bad experience. BLARGH! GRAHH! HATE BENNIGANS! SMASH
BENNIGANS! RAAAUUURR!

You know it. You love it. You know you love it.

1. DID YOU KNOW YOU ARE SUPPORTING TERRIOST?

I don't care for the fact that you buy your oil from Venezuela, a
nation that supports terrorism. I would rather you got your oil from
the Middle East which, as everyone knows, has nothing to do with
terrorism whatsoever.

2. Carnival CANNOT ACCOMMODATE BABIES

My baby ran out of formula and your staff was unwilling to go cabin to
cabin harassing the other passengers for some of their formula. My
baby wants a full refund.

3. Understand the Coupon Policy, Kmart

The coupon policy, as I understand it, says that if I give you a
coupon, you have to take it. On that subject, here's one I just wrote
up in crayon on the back of a cocktail napkin.

4. Mervyn's, Remove the Pseudo Signs

I don't appreciate being lectured at for making a mess of the dressing
rooms. Especially when said lecture is done in black marker on a
mirror. I demand paper signage!

5. RED makes me as mad as a Wet Hen!

I'm leaving PlanetFeedback forever! But it's not because everyone was
mean to me. No, it's because I have a children's book to write, and
lots of NASCAR races to watch. So I'm doing it of my own accord. Yeah,
that's the tickets. So long, losers!

6. Disturbance in the Check Out Line

I don't care for lesbians. That shit is dirty and inappropriate. Also,
my name is Dirty Sanchez. Get it? GUFFAW!

7. Mind your own business, Coach!

I'd like to take this opportunity to utilize my first amendment rights
in order to complain about someone else using their first amendment
rights.

8. Corporate policy or no corporate policy? That is the question.

To be or not to be? BAH! Shakespeare didn't know what he was talking
about.

9. The Humane Sociatty of Jefferson COunty

I wasn't allowed to adopt a Chihuahua dog just because my 3-year-old
strangled a kitten. RACISTS!

10. My Halloween Horror Nights Experience at Universal Studios

My Constitutional rights were violated when your security guard
checked my drink for booze. I've studied the Constitution thoroughly
and believe me when I tell you, it's in there.

11. Overdraft charges/poor customer care

I had children and, as a result, was forced to overdraw my bank
account. Either refund my overdraft fees that resulted from my own
mistake or I'll find a different bank and tell everyone I know that
you're a bunch of a-holes. You have three hours to respond.

12. Rude discrimination Racism/stereotype /Bank

Don't discriminate against me because I'm a minority. Rather,
discriminate against me because I'm as dumb as a post.

13. Affirmative Action = Reverse Racism = Lazy People

Dear Al Sharpton. I hate affirmative action and wish you had never
invented it. Love, a raving idiot.

14. Disappointed by The Picture People

Your computers being down threw off my son's naptime. I demand a
week's salary.

15. Edy's Reinvents the Pumpkin!

Next, please reinvent the beet. Because those things are disgusting.

16. Target Stole $35 from me.

In the technical sense, since I left the coat at the store, it's more
like I donated $35 to Target. But that isn't nearly as dramatic of a
title.

17. Panda Express Needs Better Training on Cross Contamination

I'm pretty sure my daughter's panda meat was contaminated. You should
be more careful about that.

18. Offensive Commercial

There was a commercial! With black people! And there was no father!
And they were eating fried chicken! My outrage knows no bounds!

19. I am not a hairy beast

Guess what, jerks? I'm back! So when I ran out of here like a gigantic
pussy yesterday screaming about what a bunch of meanies you all are, I
was just acting! I'm staying here forever, ASS CLOWNS!

20. Patient Taking A Backseat to Paperwork

My ex-husband's ear fell off, but at least he filled out all the
necessary forms. Are you bloodsuckers happy now?

21. Customer Service??

No, seriously. I'm asking you. Customer Service??

22. Poor Service at Panera in Downtown Silver Spring, Maryland

What do you mean you don't do bread? It's Panera Bread! Bread is in
the title of the store! I demand your immediate termination!

23. Stop Selling Beer, Chuck E. Cheese

And stop selling pizza while you're at it. Tomato sauce gives me
heartburn.

24. Let the Dominos Fall on Mikey

That's it! I'm leaving forever! Again! You're all a bunch of jerks!
MOMMY!

25. Barista at Starbucks Could Not Make Iced Cappuccino

Look, Starbucks barista. I'm not mad at you. Rather, I'm mad at
whoever it was who trained you to be such a dumbass.

For those who don't remember, I was PlanetFeedback's 2006 Most
Humorous Commenter. Though I've yet to receive my trophy or plaque or
ribbon or gift certificate to TGIFridays in the mail for this
monumental accomplishment, I still take it seriously. However, as the
year draws to a close, I realize I've been infrequently commenting for
about five, six months now. This is not good. And then I see a certain
pretend hillbilly has declared his intentions on taking an award at
this year's ceremonies.

Well, Gomer Pyle, you ain't taking mine.

I'm putting you suckas on notice that I am recommitting myself to
full-time commenting duties in order to keep this cat in the bag,
starting today. As for the rest of you pretenders to my throne, if you
really want some, then come get you some.

Hail to the king, baby.

Haven't done this for a while.

1. Edy's Reinvents the Pumpkin!

You'd think pumpkin ice cream would be gross, but it's somehow
digestible. Hooray, progress!

2. Customer Service??

I don't care if it's against policy. If I ask you to do something,
good customer service says you should do it without asking questions.
Now go kick that guy in the stomach for me.

3. Corporate policy or no corporate policy? That is the question.

I'd like to take advantage of your Buy One Get One Free promotion, but
I'd like to bypass the Buy part. I really don't see what's so hard
about that.

4. My Halloween Horror Nights Experience at Universal Studios

In my defense, spiking my Sprite was the only way I could think of to
make your shitty haunted house somewhat entertaining.

5. PEEPS are one of the finest uses of sugar on earth!

I'm a redneck who bases all of my consumer decisions on NASCAR! And my
name is Cletus! Get it? It's funny!

6. Patient Taking A Backseat to Paperwork

I'd be happy to fill out this paperwork, but you see, my hand's been
cut clean off. That's actually why I came in. Can I just go in now?
I'm losing a lot of blood here.

7. Target Stole $35 from me.

Target wouldn't exchange my broken coat without a receipt. So I left
the coat with them, which means I now have neither a coat nor a
receipt, but am short $35. Thus, Target must have stolen it from me.

8. I am not a hairy beast

NASCAR! Cletus! Come on, this is cutting edge humor!

9. wrong medication given to customer West Grove, Pa location

You gave me the wrong pills! Now I CAN'T SUPRESS MY RAGE!! GYAHH!! ALL
THESE COLORS ARE MAKING ME FUCKING CRAZY!! I'LL GO TO THE MEDIA!!
BLARGH!!

10. Barista at Starbucks Could Not Make Iced Cappuccino

They also couldn't make me a decent peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
But that's a complaint for another day.

11. Poor Quality and Uncaring Attitude from Sears

I would accept poor quality or an uncaring attitude separately, but
I'll be damned if I have to take both of them!

12. Stop Selling Beer, Chuck E. Cheese

I'm tired of my kids stumbling home at three in the morning, drunk off
their asses.

13. Offensive Commercial

Look! I'm doing a goofy redneck dance! Hyuk, hyuk! I love NASCAR!
Somebody pay attention to me!

14. Saltgrass in Plano

I make a lot of money. I have a team. Your stupid restaurant didn't
feed us quickly enough. Did I mention I have a team? Because I do.

15. Red Robin is Not Rockin'

Good thing they don't call themselves Rockin' Robin, huh?

16. Target's Problems are Resolved

I'm just so lonely, is all.

17. Sam's Club Does Not Honor its Guarantee

But your guarantee clearly says satisfaction guaranteed! I don't care
if I bought it eight years ago! I'm not satisfied!

18. No Diaper Changing Station at AMC Theatre

Have you ever tried changing a diaper in a sink? I have, and I'll have
you know it's really goddamn hard.

19. CareOne HeatWraps Leave My Back in Agony

Which is kind of the opposite of what I was going for when I bought
them.

20. Treated with Disregard by Ameristar Casinos

I don't feel like I'm being given the proper respect for giving you
all my money each week and getting nothing in return.

21. Withholding My Daughter's Paycheck

It's only fair that if I'm going to live out my dreams through my
children that I should continue fighting their battles for them until
they're at least 30.

22. don't cry over spilled soda...

Yet I'm crying over it anyway. Crazy, huh?

23. Bad Experience at Applebee's

I ate there.

24. SUNTRUST CREDIT CARD AND BANK IS THE WORST EVER

CAPS LOCK GIVES MY LIFE MEANING.

25. Returns policy just fine

Just thought you'd like to know.

Yup, you all fell for it, hook, line and sinker. Here you thought I
was just being all vain and pretentious, begging and pleading for you
to keep my blog on the Most Popular list. But the truth was so much
more insidious. All I really wanted to do was to push vc off the list.
And I did it! I pushed him all the way down to 22, and it was all
thanks to your unwitting efforts!

Psyche! Ha, suckers! You were all "Oh daddy, you're my daddy!" You are
so gullible! What is that like?!

Good Lord, so it's finally come to this.

I'm at 25 and falling. Once I'm off the list, that's it. My blog fades
into nothingness. And that would, admittedly, kinda suck.

So do whatever. Post eighteen comments to this blog entry. I need some
help here. I refuse to go gentle into that good night. Instead, I will
rage, sob, whimper, beg, plead and debase myself against the dying of
the light.

So for the love of Christ, post something. Don't make me unpopular. I
already went through that shit in high school, and I ain't going back.