PlanetFeedback's First Annual Holiday Haiku Contest

Holiday Tipster
Looking Far and Wide for Deals
Tired, Beat, and Spent

Holiday Tipster
Lined Up With An Angry Mob
Open the Damn Door

Holiday Tipster
No Prize Deals For Me, Oh Dear
Black Black Friday

Arriving at the store.
Parking lot is overfilled.
Urge to flee is great.

Throngs of shoppers here.
Pushing, shoving, violent threats.
Santa, help me please.

Child throws a tantrum.
Screams and yells and kicks his feet.
So glad he's not mine.

Shopping cart strikes me.
Driver curses, hurries off.
Joy to the world, my butt.

Waiting to check out.
Please stop breathing on my neck.
Obey the five-foot rule.

Tinsel scans a buck.
The sign had said fifty cents.
Cashier could care less.

Retreat to my car.
Cram the bags into my trunk.
Off to the next store.

OK, so many of my Haikus are kinda snarky (who, me?)... so here's a
helpful one.

When you write to stores
Stick to the facts, nothing more
Be clear, Be concise

No ex-agg-er-ate
Don't ask for more than you need
Seek to make things right

Say "Please" and "Thank You"
Don't bring up legal action
Give them a fair chance

Most businesses are
Fair, reasonable, and kind
Customer service reps are people

No, this ain't a scam
So play nice and you will get
What is fair for all

They will make things right
If YOU seek to understand
Then, be understood

Good luck my new friend
In resolving your problem
Happy Holidays!

I am a victim
Nothing is ever MY fault
Have pity on me

I depart the store
Without counting my money
And toss my receipt

I give up my pay
To come back to this pet store
To get MY money

They ask for receipt
"I cannot produce one now!"
What, you no trust me?

They are the ones that
Did not give me my full change
This is so crappy!

You! Remember Me?
It is you job to know me!
I was here before.

The burden of proof
Do not make in mine, OK?
You must give change, NOW!

Fi-nal-ly, I win!!!
I lost three hours of pay
It was worth it, yup.

After argument
Raise my blood pressure real high
And police arrest

I get my change back
I will not be a victim!
O-ver five cents change.

A haiku for the little brats.

I want one right now.
Batteries not included.
Is this all I got?

And don't be intimidated. Anybody can Haiku!

Haiku To Wal-Mart From A Bill O'Reilly Fan
By: Erik

HAPPY HOLIDAYS
WILL GET YOU SEASONS BEATINGS!!!!!
SAY MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!

I checked box to share
But not to get disagree
I am always right

What has world come to?
When someone shares a letter
And not all agree?

Sympathize with me
I do not care what you think
Unless you agree with me

I thought Shared Letters
Were to warn others of deeds
Performed by merchants

How should I have known
That people could critique me?
Where did it say that?

Oh, that checkbox there?
I did not read what it said.
All YOUR fault, not mine.

How can I delete
The letter I shared by goof?
Who is Mister H.?

I will not return
To this unsupportive place
Except to warn you

Lesson learned? No way.
I am a human being.
I make mistakes.

Others? They must be
Perfect - never make errors
I cannot forgive.

(1)
Oh give me waffles
My husband will curse at you
Shut up and serve us

(2)
Why can't I breastfeed?
On your airplane attendant?
Because I'm a man?

(3)
Unfair cell contract
Early termination fee!
I didn't read it.

(4)
The service stinks bad!
I write to you now, weeks later.
Manager? No speak.

(5)
Gimme pig, they say
Violation of site terms
Free meals I deserve

(6)
Wal-Mart and Target
Better say Merry Christmas
Or else I boycott

(7)
I write Haiku poems
About consumer problems
Hope I win a prize

(8)
Habla Espanol?
No, I am American
With bad attitude

(9)
Venice and Mike R.
Fight about spelling and so
Who will win? We lose!

(10)
Are you a site troll?
Writing fake letters for fun.
Or are you for real?

(11)
Burger King won't call
Even though I demand it
They don't read e-mail letters

(12)
Ay kant spel orr rite
Butt mi letirs r angri
bhut i hav loi-er

(13)
Non-sufficient funds
I get charged thirty dollars
Compounding daily

(14)
She-nan-i-gans? Yes.
No way this one is for real.
Or else we are doomed!

(15)
Have advanced degree
Loaded up with tons of cash
Yet, I lack manners

(16)
Planet Feedback Help!
Consumer crisis I have.
Hard bits in Slim Jim.

(17)
Words to not use here:
Curses, attacks, or hate
Unless towards merchant

(18)
Merry Christmas All!
Unless you are Moslem. Jew.
Atheist. Or Hindu.

(19)
I will not return!
For what you have done to me.
Unless you give bribes.

(20)
Mister Greg Helpful
Is like a great god to me
May I have tote bag?

(21)
Do not accuse me
Of being obese or fat
I don't want Diet Coke

(22) And finally, a limerick:

There once was a man from Nantucket
Who ate all his meals from a bucket
He got so sick-en
Of the Colonial's Chicken
That when somone yelled "foul," he'd up-chuck it!

A haiku in three parts:

Drive of Patton and
Skills of Desert Fox, they plot
For Black Friday sales.

Why is such focus,
Such passion not found in the
Eleven months hence?

Just ask Mastercard,
Grasshopper, which they forget
Until late winter.

Seasonal, non-shopping haiku:

Ropes tether pine tree
Secure Tannenbaum from storm
New kitten in house

No chestnuts roasting
No Prozac, no Klonopin
No family visit

New PlayStation 3
Crowd stamps like cattle in chutes
Crushed to honor life

Wow, writing haikus is strangely addictive! Also I'm really bored.
So, I have some more:

When writing letters,
Consider your audience.
Catch flies with honey

When standing in line,
Think about the poor cashier
Trying not to snap.

Cell phones for children-
You must know they will lose it.
Who must junior call?

Teenagers send texts.
You will not add the package?
OK, I warned you.

Fluorescent pounding
People shoving me aside
Empty space on shelf.

Don't want bag or shirt
I'm a PFB traitor
Want Bo's calendar!

Not intentional,
Dickie writes bad poetry
or good jokes. Quien Sabe?

Venice hates-her-name
blogging Black Friday tales.
...not yet, but she will.

Nethead done early
Will be watching Black Friday
and writing her cards.

The sun's not up yet
Black Friday bargain hunters
are up and brawling!

The FIRST thing I thought of when I saw "Haiku Contest" was Mark P.
If this one wins, please give him the money. It can go towards the
NSF issues he was having with National City.

With that...I present the following "Haiku"...

** Title - National City Bank, by Mark P **

i wrote a letter using planetfeedback!
to national city bank!
it came back from the postmaster!
"NO ANSWER!"
now what??????????

solve it!!!!!!!!!!!

****

PFB Commenters
Woe to S/He Who Lights Their Fire
"Who are these Guys"

Refund my money, honey
Product broke upon the first switch
Tears in my childs eye

PFB Tipster Says
Don't Be A Fool, Keep Your Cool
Karma's Taking Note

Black Friday next week
Dreading crazy customers
Hide at home instead.

Frosty the Snowman
Terrible brain worm from hell
In my head all day.

I want that tote bag
But I write crappy haiku.
That makes me so sad.

--season to be jolly
havent got my rebate yet
i'm gonna break something

--load kids in the car
santa's at the local mall
can't find place to park

--full of turkey meat
ready to go to sleep
here comes black friday

Blood on the sidewalk.
Dad is trampled by the mob.
No PS3 for Andy.