Lowe's Employees Made My Disabled Son Feel Inferior to Say the Least!

I just googled "what should I say to others who are laughing at my
disabled son" and your post came up. I am so depressed at how teens
will stare, laugh, imitate, ridicule, etc. my son who is 16 and has
autism. I do believe he does not realize that it is happening, but I
do.

I have a disabled sister and know how people can stare and cut in
front of her like she isn't there but never, and I mean never, has
anyone boldly made fun of her like you claim the employees at Lowes
did. Honestly, you sound a little paranoid to me. Maybe the employees
were talking about something else and you just assumed they were
making fun of your disabled son??? I'd be interested to know how many
other stores 'treat' your son like you claim Lowes did. If by chance
it did happen as you claim, Lowes management would never have
tolerated that behavior. And Lowes policy is to never blame a
customer for shoplifting. And it wouldn't have been a manager to
confront you about shoplifting but the Loss Prevention associate
so.... This all sounds a little far fetched to me. What's your real
beef with Lowes?

Really you should blame the two people in these situations. Just
because they both happened to be Lowe's employees does not give you
reason to blame the entire franchise. If you're going to do that, you
might as well blame all of humanity for the kid at McDonalds who is
having a bad day and screws up your order.

I sympathize for your son, my little sister has mild autism and it
literally breaks my heart thinking of the pain autistic children will
always face, because there will always be ignorant people in their
worlds. I feel that in the first situation (and even in the second)
you should have asked to talk to the store director. There will always
be someone higher up for you to speak to, and for good reason.

i used to be a lowes employee, and i was never that way to a disabled
individual. just because you had your select few who "gave low fives"
and "laughed" that is unfortunate, but to put a stereotype like that
on all lowes employees is very wrong. get your facts straight.

i am so sorry that lowes made your son feel like that and you are
absolutly right you deserve an apology and most important your son
deserves it. I just became a lowes employee, and if any employee would
do that in front of me i would put a end to that and insist that lowes
need to have a part in orientation on how to treat the disabled, for
they are customer's too! I have a newphew that has autism and another
with adhd and if somebody treated them that way, i would go to
corporate and demand a apology, and request that employee should
volunteer at a local disable home in order to keep their job, and
write a apology to thier victim, bulling is against the law, and that
is what they did ( let alone what i would do if it was my child).. on
my behalf i am sorry for what was said, just remind your son that God
doesn't judge and thats what matters, and who without sin shall throw
the first stone... Thanks for you post... my heart go for your son,
for he didn't choose to have the disorder ...
Sorry,
Danielle M.
Fort Wayne, Indiana

Ma'am i would like to start off and say that it is horrible that they
made your son feel like that. I am a Lowes employee currently in
Wisconsin. It is horrible that you have had such bad experiences at
Lowes. Those employees are a disgrace. The instances you are speaking
of would never happen in my store, and it shouldn't have happened at
those stores. We do not discriminate againest people with
disabilities, nor do we have the right to accuse any person of
stealing, we have a Loss Prevention Manager for that. I understand
that you are upset because it has been at 2 different stores. As far
as our hiring process, Lowes does not hire troubled youths, they do
backgrounds checks on each employee. The problem is they hire these
young childs that don't have respect, and nobody reports their
disgraceful behavior to the manager. I'm in shock that you had such a
bad time with a manager at Lowes. I hope one day you might try to go
to Lowes again, but I can't blame you if you don't because it has been
at two different locations.
I am sorry for how they made you and your son feel. If you want
something to happen start calling and writing their corp. number. Most
customers don't report so crappy managers stay working. I have had a
manager like and he was fired for his behavoir. Once again I am sorry
for what happened to you guys.

Laura

Though I am terribly sorry for your experience at that particular
Lowes store, I must say not all Lowes employees behave
inappropriately. Most employees are hard workers who pay their taxes
and take care of their families. You will find bad employees at any
retail store. To focus your anger against Lowes shows how narrow
minded an individual you are. We have become a society of people that
have chips on our shoulders. We all get dealt poor cards from time to
time in life and we want all people to feel sorry for us. It is time
that Americans to begin to grow up and quit being big babies when our
feelings get hurt

Dear Janet S.,
I am an employee in our Roxboro, NC store and just read your
comments and would like to humble myself and say, "I am truly sorry
for what has happened to you and espically to your son." I agree with
you and say too often, we do allow such childish behavior with some of
our employees and it is; to say the least, that 'some' of the managers
in our company allow such behavior. It is them; the managers, that
need to find other sources of employment. I also agree that in this
day and time with all that has come about with discrimmination and so,
that somewhere down the line we would understand the impact that it
takes on just one individuals life if they experience what you and
your son experienced. I think that we all must step back and look at
our own lives and ask ourselves, 'Am I a perfect person?' and 'What
kind of things should I change in my life to make me a better
person?'
I would ask you if you would go back to these stores and let the
upper management know who these people were and what their names are
so that we can get rid of this kind of childish trash. It upsets me
greatly when I hear of situations such as yours and nothing has been
done. Number one, the manager that accused your son of stealing is
suppose to be fired according to Lowe's policy; ON THE SPOT!, and the
other employees should be let go as well. We surely don't need people
like that working for us, espically when some of our stores are
struggling to make ends meet. We need customers and a lot of them so
that our stores can stay open and service the communities that we live
in.
I wish I could be there at your side if and when you decide to go
back to the stores and face each and everyone of the idiots that
caused you and your son the pain that you felt. I commend you for
what you are doing, putting your comments on the web and I wish you
and your son the very best that you truly deserve. May God forgive
all of us for our short-comings!
God Bless,
A truly concerned Lowe's employee!!!

I personally work at a Lowe's (none mentioned) as a cashier and take
deep offense to the comment "Lowe's hires troubled youths". While I
agree the employees you came into contact with were out of line, I am
a junior at a private $36,000 year college, with a 3.5 grade mind you,
and am trying to help save and pay as much as I can as well as taking
out loans. I personally find it arrogant that for someone who is
supposedly so agaisnt judging people, you would make a statement like
that; talk about generalities.

Next time you want to scold someone for making comments about your
son, you should think about your own thinking, actions, and words
before speaking. You are guilty of the exact stereotyping as those you
are ranting about.

you should have contacted a lawyer. My uncle, who unfortunately looks
homeless and is not (dresses bizzarely), was erroneously accused of
shoplifting in a supermarket, sued and got $11,000 and an apology.

Holland Michigan Lowes are the lowest in the District If you were in
Grand Rapids Michigan 28th. Street and off 44th. much nicer people.
I left a cart full of electrical stuff and got a clothes dryer
elsewhere.

BTW as a Contractor for the State of Michigan on the Highway map its a
Law printed for andicap Discrimination you may wish to do a Search on
your fav search engine for Lowes it believe its simple www.lowes.com
at the bottom or the top is a contact us link some has forms and some
opens your email program ( depends on your type and there are many )

I had episodes myself a woman was having a childish fit over a toilet
seat, explained to her to contact the State on the toll free number on
the decal on the glass, she wanted to raise a ruckus, I finally said
3rd round folks ask engineering and I had left and closed the door on
her ( I was 20 seconds from calling the State Police to have her
removed )

I dont mind helping people but there is a line drawn myself when
someone acts like they either on something or the opposite. if I have
no answer and I am not GOD ! besides I refer that to his complaint
department. :-)

I am so sorry that Lowe's treated you and your son so badly. There is
no excuse for rudeness by an employee or any one else on earth. I am
disabled, mobility impaired and used the electric cart in Lowe's to
buy some paint. I went over to the paint counter and except for one
other woman, I was the only one there. I sat and waited my turn.
Another woman came up to the counter and was waited on before me.
Then another. Finally I got angry and when another person came up to
the counter, I asked the employee if I was invisible. When he said
no, he could see me, I asked him if there was something about me he
didn't like. He said no. So I said well then WAIT ON ME. I have
been next before the last 3 people you waited on and I'm getting
really angry. He apologized and waited on me, but you wouldn't believe
the looks I got from the other patrons. You should have spoken up and
admonished these ignorant people and turned the tables to embarrass
them out loud. They deserve to be embarrassed.

As a Lowe's employee I would like to apologize for the incidents that
happened. My experince in this company has been a great one, and the
managers I interact with on a daily basis have always acted with
professionlism and compassion with all employees and customers. This
behavior is not indicative of all employees in our company.
Unfortunately we live in a world where there are people like this in
all companies, I believe I work for one of the best companies around
and hope that you will shop with us again sometime in the future.

Lowe's employee
Southern California

As a mother of autistic twin boys, I can relate with your experience.
I've also read a lot of the people's posts who responded to you. Some
of them was good some were not practical.

I know it's hard to explain to your child why people why they do what
they do, but you really need to. Sometimes trying to spare them for
dignity sakes, takes theirs in the process. Being straightforward
about the situation and explaining in a "matter of fact" way, is the
best way to prepare them for the real world. It also makes them feel
that you are not "sugar coating" the issue.

I don't think I would necessarily left it alone. Although your son is
not as bad as mine, addressing the problem right there and then would
have resolved nothing but make people make ruder comments about you
after you left and not really being done. Writing a formal letter to
Lowes' head office and other stores of that nature, would have a
greater affect. It would also show your son, although it is a cruel
fate that has been dealt to him, that doesn't mean he has to take
other people's emotional constipation, and stifled sensitivity.
Sometimes, the chain of command is appropriate, but since we are not
in the military, it's OK if we go over a few heads to get the job
done. Showing him that he is entitled to decent treatment regardless
of his condition, should be a staple in his life.

It's hard time that you are going thru. Autism and puberty is not a
great combination. Puberty by itself can be a bear, but we have to do
what must and can to ensure that instill those values that are most
important in life. I wish you well. I hope you get what you are
looking for. Chin up if you don't. One of the posters on here said
it best when said and I quote "He who angers you, enslaves you."

Kind of spamming this letter but I found it appropriate... (Sorry
Greg... if it's not, let me know but I hope you'll keep it up because
it is important)

One last reminder to everyone that your donations are needed!

My girlfriend is doing Relay for Life. She will be walking around a
track from 4PM to 10AM to raise money for cancer. She is just $100
short of her goal. I know that all of you can spare $5 to her cause!
We have all been touched by this disease in some way. A friend (such
as a girl I grew up with who passed away 3 weeks ago from Leukemia), a
family member (such as my grandparents) or neighbor... Every dollar
helps. The race is Saturday April 21, 2007.

You can go here to donate.
https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=213810&lis
=1&kntae213810=E0E08975ADAB43208436AD72CD1BDA4C&supId=167970374


Mary Jo is also raising money for the March of Dimes. The March of
Dimes does great work for premature babies and those with birth
defects. For those who know me, we have been dealing with my son's
Clubfoot for the past 3 years. Organizations such as the March of
Dimes are priceless resources for families in our position. Please
show your support.

You can go here to donate.
http://www.walkamerica.org/s_team_page.asp?SeId=401612&si=35E8AC59-B32
2-4623-AC4C-A3171B5FF9BA

I know that money is tight all around but if everyone donated one
dollar to each cause and passed this around you can help make a
difference.

Nichole

I do apologize for what you have experienced, I would be terribly
upset if this trecherous incident happened to my son as well. But,
did you complain or raise concerns to the management, I read your
letter and I did not see one account of you telling or reporting the
incident. My husband is a manager at Lowe's he most definatley would
of fired or wrote up the persons in charge for this. The probelm is
customers do not report incidents often enough, the crime goes
unpunished. Therefore, before you post a letter stating about how
awful an entire corproation fo over 1000 stores are, you may want to
take stock, and realize not all stores are the same, no one is
perfect, and that the customer always has the right to bring something
like this to the managers attention. Perhaps you should mail this
letter to Lowe's so that it can be more of use rather than posting it
on a site in which no one from Lowe's probably reads. And they can
not apologize for something you failed to bring to their attention.
Concerned Lowe's Wife, Danielle Pennington

wow. i'm sorry to hear that you had such a horrible experience. i
really hope they resolve this for you.

I haven't read any of the previous responses to this complaint as
there are far too many so
I don't know if what I am writing has already been said or not: 1. I
can't believe that you don't experiece this scenario at a variety of
stores. Lowe's per se isn't to blame. People and their ignorance are
to blame 2. Educate those people. Have information on hand that you
carry with you. Confront people in a non-confrontational but firm
manner and educate them about your son and hand them a sheet of paper
or small brochure with facts about his condition. I promise you they
will be humbled (and probably embarassed as shit, rightfully so too)
and maybe, just maybe, they will have learned something and will think
twice in the future before laughing at someone else.

You should have been honest with your child right from the start. Told
him that yes, those people were laughing at him but they are sad
pathetic people with problems of their own who try to make themselves
feel better by putting other people down. In a situation like this, an
apology will be meaningless. You'd be better off contacting the
store's owner and requesting that employees are trained on how to deal
with the disabled in future; not whining about how they're picking on
you and your son.

Now, before you start ripping on me for not understanding, get this; I
HAVE ASPERGERS! If anyone understands how it feels, I do. I too have
been tailed in shops by security who assume that just cuz I keep my
hands in my pockets and don't give anyone eye contact, that means I'm
about to steal everything in sight. I however, don't give a damn; I
just ignore it. I haven't cared about what people think of me since
the age of 14.

I know there are mean and ignorant people in the world, but getting
angry and demanding that everyone respects your child is not the
answer. Remember, "he who angers you enslaves you"; it's better not to
give such people the satisfaction of knowing they've upset you than to
make a huge song and dance over things.

You said that you looked at your son and hoped that he did not notice
that they were laughing at him but ofcourse he will notice. You
should have been honest with him and said that they are laughing at
him, but they are ignorant and they are the ones that have something
wrong with them for making fun of him not him. Just explain to him
that they are rude and ignorant and uneducated and that he should not
have to feel upset about them making fun of his disability. But do
not lie to him because he will know that you are lying to him and he
may not trust you. He's 12 so he knows what is going around him. Some
people think that people that have autism do not know what is going on
around them but they do.

I am concerned though as to you said nothing to anyone except here.
Maybe I missed it but why did you say nothing. Also you can never
ever expect anyone to be perfect also you cant blame Lowes as a whole
on this because it was a few people. Doing this makes everyone there
seem bad. So anyways I am sad to see this happen but open your mouth
and express your concerns.

Turn on Larry King Live... Saturday Nioght 8:15PM CT

Janet would you consider opening your profile and starting a blog? It
is fun and it is also a great way for you to get support from other
members of this community who are in the same boat as you. There are
quiet a few. It may prove to be an invaluable resource for you where
people can share resources and experiences with you.

I remembered!

It's called "Responsive Classroom"

That's what pd was describing in the post down below. It's a wonderful
approach that really works. Everyone benefits from this type of
environment.

What does this have to do with Lowe's at all? Lowe's is a store made
up of people. 2 people acted like losers. Lowe's has not control over
that.
The lady did not accuse your son of stealing because he was disabled.
Right or wrong she accused him because she thought he stole
something.-Nothing to do with disability. That is jumping to
conclusions.
Lowe's owes you nothing because they are not an all-knowing
eye-in-the-sky that can control employees from giving dirty looks,
smirks, high-fives, etc.
That whole apology thing everyone asks for is just a waste of time.
What good would it be to have Lowe's Manager Joe Smith apologize for
the actions of employee Bill Johnson?

"As Lowe's would allow such behavior by any employees for any
reason."

I don't know if it's fair to say that. Lowe's certainly doesn't want
their employees acting this way. It's a shame that anyone would act
this way but I think you need to accept that this is how a low of
people are. I have a disabled mother. She has been disabled my
entire life. The staring sometimes still bothers me but it's one of
those things I have had to learn to ignore.

Janet, my son is disabled too. His is physical, we were told he had
Ewing's Sarcoma, a bone cancer. Thank God, he didn't, but he had a
massive tumor on his right femur that literally eroded the entire
bone. St. Jude's Children's Research Hospital, of which he is a
patient, installed an internal prosthesis, which will need to be
changed every ten years or so. Anyway, he walks with a cane and a
pronounced limp and people look at him like they've never seen a
teen-ager with a cane before. It's absolutely amazing how ignorant
people can be. Sometimes the best you can do is use the condition to
try to educate people. Talk to them about what is wrong and mention
that there, but for the grace of God, go they.

Dear Applebee's,

I write you as a faithful patron of your chain who left the restaurant
feeling discriminated and disgraced as single mother tonight. I look
for Apple bees because the food is reasonable and it's nice
atmosphere. I am single parent and I have a child with autism. He is
four years old and limited verbal his name is Andy. Time to time I
take him to your restaurant in Fountain Valley, California and we have
had a wonderful time.

Tonight I got him out of the car to choose where to eat he ran to
Apple Bees with a smile on his face. This is his favorite place. He
does not understand when food was passing right by him and he had
nothing. When we first sat down I asked the waitress to give us
something as soon as possible. 10 minutes later we got our drinks and
crackers. . . .I was singing to Andy doing everything I could every
time food went by he let out a short yelp. I was pulling out
everything in my bag of tricks I could. Then he calm down.

The manager came to me and told me because of my child he lost
business (boy I felt guilty). I felt as though my heart was being
ripped into two. I try so hard with my son. I told him my son was
waiting for food --chips anything. I apologized and told him my son
does not speak much and has autism and I'm sorry. He came back a
second time and told he was losing more business because of my son. I
had to do something. All my son wanted was drinks something. He came
back told me we had to leave. I'm sorry I told him. This time every
one was looking at us because of the manager kept making a huge deal
and coming to our table. We were yet to get our food. My heart was
sinking and all my son wanted was food! I felt stepped upon like
yesterday's trash.

I had to pull my fifty pound four year old out of his favorite place
in tears. This posed a tremendous safety hazard and was totally
unnecessary. I feel like my heart was smashed in a million pieces.
When we were out the door the manager said "I had to do I have to do
and that I should not take my son out if he is not fit (How is he
qualified to make this comment)." As he plopped a bag of food to go in
my hand.

I take my son out to eat a lot and we have never been kicked out and
disgraced like this. We ate at this restaurant a lot. . . . .He just a
little kid---and if they would brought him food---or drinks---I could
not get him out the door after he ran in because he was at his
favorite place---
I understand why he did what he did but he did not have to be cruel he
could have done it differently ---instead me having to pull him out in
tears. I do not have much money and I try to get my son positive
experiences and take him to places he enjoys I earned a gift
certificate from my work and I took him there for a good time. I
usually can not afford Apple Bees and I take him there as a reward he
lights up so much in the restaurant.

I feel belittled and disgraced and this hurts this truly hurts. I feel
like I have been ran over by a Mac truck. How can I ever take my sweet
my little boy to his favorite place again let alone out to eat in
public again?

A former AppleBees patron

_____________________________________
Poorly written, yes, but shows more ignorance in the world.

All I can say is that I hope you don't write off an entire company
because of this one incident. While the employees should not have been
"gossiping" about your son, I highly doubt that it is the fault of the
company, but more of the employees' background.

This is coming from a team trainer (not for Lowe's) that trains in
almost all new cashiers. Trust me, it is not in ant part of the
training, but I suspect that it is a character flaw with the
individual(s) involved. I hope you talk with the manager on duty to
bring it to their attention.

I haven't read this whole thing, so maybe someone else already
suggested checking out the website of "Autism Speaks". It was
featured on Larry King and sounded like a great resource for
families.

Janet, my son is not autistic, but I have a very good idea what you go
through on a daily basis. In the beginning, the worst part was
thinking I was the only one in the world and all alone. Realizing
that so many others were living my life helped more than anything
else. I don't know if I have any helpful advice for you, but I'm
always willing to try. You can reach me at bopeep09@gmail.com.

This is one of the best sets of responses I've seen on PFB. There are
a lot of suggestions as to organizations and other things that
probably are worth putting into a notebook somewhere as resources.
This incident shows that as stores get bigger, management is further
removed from it's ability to control the actions of it's employees. I
don't think Lowe's trains people to behave like this, but that they
hire from a rather brackish pool as many large chains do. Employee
frustration at a lack of contact leads to not feeling like a part of a
team, but rather the opposite. Cruel humor is a sign of feeling
helpless about other issues.
I feel for you and your son, an hope you have gotten something out of
posting this that you can take with you.

Janet, I'm sorry this happened to you and your son. I'm so glad you've
found a lot of good information and support from the commenters. All I
can say is don't let this get you down. People of all ages in all
walks of life can be unbelievely cruel, indifferent, and just plain
ignorant. Every child deserves the chance to reach his or her
potential. Your son deserved better and you were right to bring this
cruelty to Lowe's attention. (They were in Lowe's Uniform so they were
representing the company).

The more we can educate people about dealing with people with all
kinds of challenges, it would make this world a better place. I think
the increased awareness of Autistism in recent years will help but it
will take a lot of patience. I wish you the best and I do hope you get
a response from the company.

Haven't posted in a while, but I wanted to toss my $.02 in. I think
it's a shame in this day and age, that such behavior is still condoned
and even applauded by certain circles. (I'm referring to all such
discrimination, whether it is based on age, religion, disability,
race, gender or sexual orientation. It happens, don't tell me it
doesn't.) I sincerely hope that Lowe's will see this and decide to
hold a meeting/class with all employees, pointing out that such
behavior is not to be countenanced for any reason.

That being said, this part might get me toasted. :)

All of us have been discriminated against at one point or another.
Sometimes because of things we can not or will not change -
country/place of origin, religion, sexual orientation, gender etc -
Why, yes, I'm a bisexual woman who hales from Texas and holds
absolutly no respect or use for religion, how'd you guess?

Other times it is for things that seem nitpicky, but still annoy
someone somewhere. These can include hair style (length, color, cut),
clothing, choice of music or reading material, etc etc. Sometimes we
just rub other people the wrong way...and they return the favor.

We have had to learn how to deal with this and so will your son. I
confess I know very little about autism beyond what I've gleaned from
message boards. Mostly I don't care beyond a casual interest and
knowing just for the sake of knowing.

However, if you son ever plans on living a fairly normal, integrated
life - and I don't see why he wouldn't, you said he has a mild form of
autism - he will have to learn how to deal with people who don't like
him. That's just a fact of life, autism or no autism.

There are some great suggestions down the thread for how to deal with
him in case of emergency or in fraught social situations. Discuss them
with your son, find out what his limits are and what he is comfortable
with. He will be an adult soon and eventually, you will not be there
to take care of him and he will have to do it on his own.

(This sounds harsh, but I'm a teacher now and I've had a few too many
run ins recently with parents who don't want to let their precious
babies grow up.)

Mostly, though, I have little patience for people who use their
disability or perceived 'weakness' to cry foul when life treats them
bad. Kudos for bringing the matter to the attention of Lowes....now
move on with your life and help your son move on with his.

It's a shame the employee treated your son like that. That was cruel!
Did you talk to a manager?

I'm sorry about what happened. That sort of stuff makes me sick.

I don't have kids so I have no experience with my kids coming into
contact with people with disabilites. But I've often wondered about
something.

If someone with a child who has something wrong with them explained
the situation to the classroom when they start school how would that
work out for the child?

I've often wondered if the kids were informed about the situation
maybe they wouldn't make fun of them or make stupid comments when they
get older. They'd have an understanding that just because someone
looks or acts different they're just like you and me.

I hope this all makes sense.

As a teacher of autistic children, I absolutely feel for what your son
goes through. Another good source of support and education, for both
you and your son, is CARD (Center for Autism and Related Diseases).
They are a nationwide organization and a wealth of support and
information. If you are not familiar with them, definitely look into
it. Just google the name of the organization and it will be easy to
find.

Good Luck...

Wow, 75 responses. I read just a bit of the response right before
mine, then stopped.

I'm so sorry these kids did this. How mean! Who are their parents?
Parents need to teach their kids not to be mean and bully just like
they need to teach their kids not to smoke the doobage.

I agree with you completely. I don't think Lowe's is any worse than
any other employer like it... I think you had the bad luck to have two
bad incidences, both at Lowe's. But that's enough for me.

Remember that you may have a resource in your local ARC ("Association
for Retarded Citizens," but I believe they've since changed their
name, but I can't remember it) chapter.

Good luck!

I posted this down below, but wanted to be sure Jan saw it ~ Jan, I
know where you are... if you want to emil me, my address is in my
profile.

---------------------

No one on this board is blaming you for your son's condition - and
definitely not Jeffrey. Trust me on this, Jan ~ Jeffrey is a very
compassionate man and I enjoy the assistance he provides. You may take
it to the bank on this. How do I know this, you ask?

My son, too, has autism and ADHD. Today is his 13th birthday and right
now he is at his therapeutic riding program for children with
disabilities. On Mondays he has therapy, Tuesday is tutoring,
Wednesday is our only free night, Thursday is riding, Friday is the
psychiatrist. I know EXACTLY what you mean by not having sufficient
time in life to brush your teeth.

My son, too, is ridiculed by his peers and persons who don't
understand him. I know, first hand, how much pain you are in.

So, Jan, we are in the same proverbial rowboat.

I must tell you this ~ and I hope you take it well. You need a thicker
skin. At some time your son is going to have to fight his own battles
and, autistic or not, going to have to learn how to function
in society. Autism is not a disability immediately apparent to every
one. You cannot expect everyone to know and be sensitive about your
son's condition. If you persist in believing that everyone should be
sensitive to your situation, you're going to give yourself an ulcer.
Been there, done that.

Change what you can, ignore what you have to, and revel in the fact
that you have a wonderful child who loves you more than life itself.
And love him back. In the end, that's all that matters.

You can make a difference, but it begins with making a difference in
your immediate circle of friends. Ask to speak to a public services
group about dealing with autistic children, volunteer at a school to
teach them how to deal with kids who are different, or just walk up to
someone who you think is picking on your son and ask to explain why
he's different.

You can't change everyone all at once. Just do one at a time.

I am signing off to go celebrate my son's 13th birthday. It's been
really hard ~ but I wouldn't trade any of it, or him, for the easy
route. Who he is has made me a better and bigger person. For that I
will be eternally grateful.

Good luck, Jan.

I want to say THANK YOU to all the wonderful people who posted helpful
comments. These have helped me more than you will ever truly know. You
gave me ideas I had NEVER even thought of, ideas that will definitely
help me in the future. I realize that those of you who have endured
such a crisis know what it's like and how alone it can feel sometimes.
Every day is a challenge. I am so relieved sometimes to realize that
this isn't happening to only my family, although I wish more than
anything it wasn't happening to anyone. It helps so much to know
there's others who know what you're going through.

Assumptions abound. I am amzed at some assumptions: I NEVER said
Lowe's had a conspiracy to harass kids. Where does this kind of
nonsense come from? I have been accused of making assumptions when I
was there and those posting were NOT. Someone said I should quick
playing the victim while another suggested I should teach my autistic
child to stand up to bullies, fight back, I guess? What would fighting
back solve? Isn't there enough fighting in the world? I'm sorry but
that's about as funny as me pretending to be Ann Coulter! LOL Someone
posted that I am quickly losing my grip on reality! To him I say I
can't lose my grip because I have too much to do. Someone suggested I
continue to try to call Lowe's. I never said I didn't. The second time
I called, they didn't even know what I was talking about. They claimed
they had heard nothing regarding the incident. Sound typical? I wish
Lowe's and other businesses would just do something; it's almost
impossible to get even an apology.

To the people who posted their opinions on how I SHOULD behave and
feel in their eyes, I realize they probably haven't gone through such
a crisis that is with you everyday and will be with you every day of
your life. Some posters seemed to equate autism to behavioral
problems, which is an unfair comparison. Behavior can be treated;
autism cannot be cured. To these people, who at times I felt were
almost attacking me or at least being condescending (whether they
intended to be so or not), I say no one will listen while you SCREAM
at them. Unless you have walked two and a half miles in my shoes, you
cannot know how I feel. Clearly there are people who do understand,
and I say AGAIN THANK YOU. You have made my life just a little easier,
and sometimes that's all we need.

You said you wouldn't be posting again... But I would really like to
urge you to get in contact with Leanne and LadyMac. They have
children with autism and they are wonderful support. Both understand
exactly what you are going through and would gladly communicate with
you, I'm sure.

How many members of PFB have taken their time today to compose
compassionate responses and offer helpful suggestions to your
situation? It should tell you that you are not alone and that
although everyone may not agree on everything all the time, this world
is full of people that are willing to spend their time communicating
with a total stranger and sharing their similar circumstances - - and
for that you should be thankful.

It is unfortunate that in this so-called enlightened age that there
are still people who do not understand people (and children) with
disabilities but it still happens. That being said, I do not think any
business makes it a policy to tolerate the behavior you describe and
that these, are most likely, isolated incidents.

I can't imagine how difficult it is to raise a child with special
needs but I do know what it's like to be disabled. I have a bone
disorder that caused the joints in my legs to deteriorate. At best
it's not noticable and at worst, it makes walking almost impossible.

In the 14 yrs that I've been dealing with this I've met some wonderful
people who went out of their way to help me and some incredible rude
people. I've had people just let go of a door so it slams in my face
(while on crutches), I've had people step on my cane so hard that the
tip came off and I missed my train stop while retrieving it and I've
had people push me aside to get past me. I've been stared at and I've
overheard people say "why don't you people just stay home". The one
thing I've learned is that you have to develop a thick skin.

There are many others here who gave you some good advice about support
groups and trying to make you see that you are not alone. This is
going to happen again, not this exact way but it will. You cannot
boycott every business where this occurs. Well, you can but as
someone pointed out, you may run out of places to shop, etc.

I do want to point out that I think you are somewhat fixated on
Jeffrey's response, which I must say, I read through several times and
can't really find fault with it. He is one of the nicest, most
informative posters here.

Janet, I have worked with Lowe's for 7 years and I can assure you that
Lowe's does not tolorate this behavior. I know in my store this would
not happen. Also, the fact that a manager accused your son of stealing
is terrible. In my experience, and at my store we are not allowed to
do anything like that,and I would have immediately asked for the Store
Manager or the number to the District Manager.

Janet, my son is special needs. Additionally my brother is currently
under the care of a doctor who suspects he is autistic. While my
brother is young and has not experienced the scrutiny of strangers he
has received scrutiny from within our own family.

On the other hand I have been under the publics' watchful eye since my
son was three days old. Because of my son's condition he has been in
and out of casts his whole life. He has had two surgeries. I have
been whispered about, confronted with accusations of abusing my child,
stared at, laughed at... as my son has grown older he has been teased
because his condition makes him different, slower, fall... he walked
late, talked late, is small for his age and his motor skills aren't
where they should be. Sadly, my child isn't considered "disabled
enough" for me to receive assistance with helping him understand his
condition. I'm currently attempting to enroll him in a program for
disabled children and it appears that I won't have much luck...

Ignorance is everywhere. A company can't control the thoughts and
responses of their employees. Until more people are educated about
special needs children you can expect to run into idiots everywhere.
If I were to stop shopping at every store where a clerk has made it
obvious that she questioned my child's state, I wouldn't have clothes,
food, toys, household goods... get my point?

I understand the weight you carry by raising a special needs child
however letting the condition define your child will only disservice
him. His disability is just another part of him... a big part of him,
yes but just another part. If you really want to help him then
advocate and educate. Spread knowledge and tolerance of his
disability. Don't be afraid to say something intelligent when someone
doesn't understand. Carry pamphlets. Get involved in your community.
By not standing by your son when a situation occurs you are hurting
all children with varying disabilities.

I volunteer at the hospital where my parents work quite a bit, and I
often work with kids with various disabilities, physical, mental, and
emotional, so I understand where you're coming from. The world isn't
exactly politically correct all of the time, especially when it comes
to the disabled. I've seen people make comments that make my blood
boil, and I know what a challenge it is not only for the parents of a
disabled child but also the child themself.

The manager accusing him of shoplifting probably wasn't picking on him
because he was disabled. Managers, as a rule, aren't a thrill to deal
with, and they very rarely offer an apology. I've been accused of
shoplifting in two stores to date, and have never gotten so much as a
"Sorry" either time when they realized they'd made a mistake.

Now, you don't know exactly what those girls were saying. Mind you, it
was probably negative comments about your son, but there's a chance it
wasn't. Either way, it's an extremely unprofessional thing to do, and
they shouldn't have done it.

I don't think your demands are unreasonable. Any apology you get,
however, isn't going to be heartfelt. I believe that any retail job
training should include some sensitvity training to the disabled to
better service customers.

I do hope you get a response from Lowe's.

Janet:

Although I can't even imagine how stressful it is raising a special
needs child, it appears to me that you are perhaps being a little
over-dramatic about something that allegedly happened two years ago.
You write, "I didn't hear all that was said, but I did hear them say
my son my be "crazy" or on "drugs". Exactly how long did you stand
there and listen to these "young people"? And your claim that they
were "Celebrating making my disabled son feel inferior, unwelcome and
down on himself" seems a little over the top as this was your
interpretation of their actions and getures.

If I'm adding up the timeline correctly, you haven't been in a Lowe's
store for almost two years, so how do you know what their atmosphere
is like today? You "had heard that Lowe's hired troubled youths" but
do you know that for sure?

You are makinig a lot of assumptions for which you don't have any
conceret proof. I do believe that everyone on the planet should be
sensitive to the disabled and those with special needs, but the cold
fact is that there will always be cruel people out there and that is,
unfortuntely, something that your son needs to be taught to deal
with.

Hi Janet. I am a mother of two children with autism. One is
behavioral and draws a lot of attention to himself too. I empathize
with how you feel. It's very overwhelming and you feel unaccepted and
alone and it does build up. Hang in there. I am assuming you have a
fairly recent diagnosis by what is happening and how you are dealing
with it. Your son understands what is going on around him. This tells
me he is intelligent and possibly high functioning. That's a good
thing. This means you can talk to him and help him deal with it in
appropriate ways that will not only benefit him, but you and others.
There will always be ignorant people, but the first woman employee you
spoke of, did try to turn it around. Many people are embarrassed and
would rather take the position and keep it but there are many
wonderful understanding people in this world.

Now, what you need to do is not only join some support groups, but
when you enter a store, if you suspect you may run into a problem,
alert a manager in advance that you have a son with autism and smile,
and just give them a mild heads up or ask them for help if need be.
I'm sure you will see a difference. Second, get yourself a bumper
sticker. This alerts everyone, including police officers who may pull
you over and suspect your son may be intoxicated, that there is
something else going on that you may need assistance with, if heaven
forbid you get into an accident and cannot speak. Our kids have a
tendancy to appear intoxicated by some of their bodily movements,
rocking, jumping,impulsive movements or schreaching. It's THEIR
normal. Remember that you are not alone most of all. If you want to,
you can make up awareness flyers or even carry around cards to hand
people if you get into a sticky situation. It saves you the trouble
and frustration and crying that sometimes happens when you feel ganged
up upon.

http://www.dotolearn.com/disabilities/autismcard.htm

Feel free to email me at Rosebd37@aol.com. I'm part of a large group
of advocates and support groups, many of them online. Good luck :)

My son also has a form of autism with body jerks/quirks and not able
to to have eye contact.. and he too was accused of shoplifting
(because of the way they look around all the time and constantly
fiddle with things) I was FURIOUS when he was stopped by someone,
patted down and they turned out his pockets. after they realized "oops
my faux pas... he didn't steal anything"... and they scamper away.

To this day my son is so traumatized by that incident we can't even
drive by that store without him becoming aggitated


I should have sued the crap out of them for it.

Taking care of a special needs child is a full-time job. Plus I work
full-time. I guess I could find time to go through Lowe's and other
businesses and educate everyone on being sensitive to others! I
suppose this shouldn't fall on their employers' shoulders? I am being
sarcastic, of course. I don't have any free time with taking care of
an autistic child; I barely have time to brush my own teeth.

You should take your own advice about being sensitive. I feel beaten
down by your response. I have more on my shoulders than I can carry -
and I won't carry you laying this on me. My post in no way judged
troubled youth, but they can change their behavior. In fact, I feel
troubled youth should be encouraged to change their behavior. My son
cannot. There is no cure for autism and no meds in my son's case. I
don't need to spend my money with any business and be expected to
educate that business's employees on sensitivity training. I have
enough stress. I regret posting on PF because I feel I am being blamed
for my child's medical condition as well as what happened to him at
Lowe's. According to you, I am left feeling that every thing that
happened was my fault or quite possibly my son's fault or both. You
don't know how bad I wish my son could change his behavior, be like
everyone else, not be ridiculed in public, not need me so much. Autism
just isn't that forgiving.

I can only imagine how difficult this can be. At least in the first
case, it sounds like the manager honestly thought your son was acting
in a way consistent with shoplifting. It's your job to explain, in a
way that's non-confrontational (and also protects your son's privacy
and feelings) about his condition. Then, it's the job of the manager
to apologize. She didn't, which was wrong.

In the second case, it does appear that there was some sort of
inappropriate behavior. It's very sad.

However...

You letter seems to have this implication that Lowe's encourages this
sort of behavior. This kind of insensitivity can happen anywhere and
I don't think it's a failing of the corporation that a few employees
acting poorly.

What I find interesting about your letter is that you ask for
tolerance of your child, but then show a lack of tolerance for other's
situations. By placing a requirement on which "troubled youths"
should work there and which of their behaviors works for you shows
that you're asking of others something you can't give yourself. Just
as you son can't help seeming like he's on drugs, stealing, etc. (I
don't mean this in an offensive way), there are others who are not
able (either due to disability or due to upbringing) to manage their
own behavior perfectly.

While I'd approve of threatening customers (or anyone), I'm struck by
the notion that the world needs to be sensitive to your child (which I
agree with) while at the same time, you want to run off others who
don't act according to your view of the perfect person.

I'm sorry if this has come out wrong. I want to be clear that I'm on
your side, as far as people needing to be more sensitive. It's just
that I'd expect you, of all people, to understand that not everyone is
the same. And some people (due to background or physical/emotional
disability) simply can't (without a lot of work, if at all) be polite,
helpful, unable to control their laughing, mature, etc.

All I'm saying is that we all need to be more sensitive to how we
treat others. And, for some of us, it's harder than others.